Ardhaakar

इस दिल के पान के पत्ते  का
इक कोना चिर के कहाँ  गिरा
मिटटी पानी या हवा हुआ
हमको लेकिन फिर न मिला

कटे फटे इस दिल कों अब
बस यूँही लेकर  फिरते  है
कुछ चाक पैबंद  लगा के
अब आकार कों पूरा  करते है

आकार जो पूरा हो भी गया
फिर जान कहा से फूकेंगे
कुछ ज़ख्म ये दिल का ऐसा है
खुद दर्द ही जिसका मरहम है

A Summer Spring

On a summer day in April

Spring heralded itself exclusive

A tender pink was all I saw

Like the trees on my city roads

The burning sun lost its fire

An orange moon grew pale-gold

The hot air cooled, becoming balmy

From somewhere song birds sang

The embrace of eternal love and

A lost soul found its other half

A long sought union of hearts and

life became eternal spring

The Cold Sun

As the sun, a golden ball
Of cold fire hides behind
The cotton clouds, I sigh

Today too the moon,
Won't be seen In the sky
And today again I will

Be left longing For those
morsels of you that the
moondrops bring for me

Broken

I would lay myself bare

Peel my skin

Shred my innards

To pour myself unto you

But I don't yield 

My being and body

My heart and soul

Hardened and cold

Fragile and brittle

Hammered, 

Broken

into sharp fragments 

I split In a thousand shards 

10 Important Life Realisations

I always knew it but had forgotten in the insecure atmosphere of last 1-1/2 year.

1. It's OK to have less... 

   Spend less. Happiness is not directly proportional to your pay check. It's directly proportional to spending time with your loved ones.

2. Its OK to wear again what you have worn earlier. 

   No body pays attention to what brands you are wearing, It's important to be neat, clean and decently put together.  We wear just a few favorite clothes, fewer pieces of jewellery, a few pairs of shoes, and still fewer handbags

3. Wholesome homemade food is good food. 

   Eating out should be restricted.It reflects, adversely, on your health not on your status.

4. Live the way you want to.

   No one is impressed by what car you are driving and what house you are living in They are all busy with their own things and if someone does they are not your kind of people.

5. Love yourself.Follow your heart. 

   You live only once. Live it up!

6. Cultivate a hobby.

    Learn to play an instrument, paint, cycle or whatever you have always wanted to do. It helps you get i touch with your inner self and that is enlightening.

7. Learn to dance

   It liberates you, gives you a sense of peace, coordination, balance and exercises your body and mind

8. Read books.

   They bring the world to your table. Nothing more needs to be said yet they give you a vision, a broader perspective and sometimes lessons that last a life-time

9. Travel to broaden your horizon.

   On travel, there are beautiful untouched places in our own country and we travel for our relaxation and exploration not to impress others.

10. Be there .

    For the people in your life Your parents, children,siblings,friends and those who have less than you have. Dignity and respect comes from being there and being good when you are needed.

The Castle Wedding @Kanota

#Guddudavyah kahin bhi hota, mujhe to jaana hi tha

I was looking forward to the invitation! Yes I would be lying if I say that I didn't care. There was not an iota of doubt that it was going to be grand and exclusive. everyone wanted to be on the invitee list.

The pre-wedding function was where it started. We reached the small town and I was surprised as well as reassured with the warm welcome we got from the family. These are the times when you realise that the genuine feeling and love you had nurtured when you were young are priceless and long lasting. Some people are as genuine as you are. The blast that we all had made us miss some who were not there. we bonded again over vodka, cofffe, mithai and gossip.

Yes Indian weddings are all about relatives and gossip, gaudy clothes and loads of jewellery but its also about extended families bonding and your children meeting your favourite cousins. I saw our children get to know each other and it brought me immense satisfaction that the legacy will be carried on for at least the next generation. I feel that its the need of the hour that extended families relate what with single child units becoming the norm.

The journey to Kanota for me was filled with fun, laughter, dancing to Pujabi Songs in the taxi with the young brigade and eatig potato chips and polo, after the anxiety that we won't be able to pack everything we needed and load it on the vehicles was over!

A breathtaking place, spacious suites, big lawns, a blue pool and so many trees and animals around, it is perfect destination for a big Indian wedding. Two days passed as if in a wink. The castle was specially lighted up with fairy lights and colured lights,orb like lamps hung from trees and hundrends of votive candles lighted aroud the concrete paths.it was if you had come to dream palace. The effort which the bride, her groom and their families had put in the planning was evident. THe food, the ambience, the convenience and luxury were unparalleled

Small things like the photoframes where you could get yourselves clicked, the billboards relating the couples love story and the scooter which was a witness and auxillary to the law students getting hitched being made the centre of attention were brilliant which made the evening special and relevant. It felt great to see that they were proud of their connection and unabashed about it. The new generation is open, self-confident and brazen about their choices and financially independent to be able to carry it on. I am proud of the change and relieved too.

It was a fun wedding, no tears, people dressing-up and faces made up to the tee whereas the bride was so elegantly dressed with her natural beauty and radiance that she needed minimal make-up. Little girls in lehengas and shararas, touting about their maang teekas and bangles. Cousins, children and ladies having meals together, taking strolls, calling out each other, shouting and laughing. The bride's cousins gave a swashbuckling bhangra performance and the elders got on the stage muddling it all up and making it all the more enjoyable. About 3000 pictures and selfies were clicked unofficially.

Money was spent like anything. Lakhs spent as short change but like the bride's mother concluded, it was worth the glow of happiness on our daughters face. It was indeed a grand wedding and a memorable event.

Well done Guddu and Nishant for planning this beautiful wedding and Thanks Ricky Di for making me an integral part of it.

Darkness

Me: Must write something bright!

True!  I am happy these days

Heart: Haven’t you noticed the plight

Really! Are you sure?

Me: whose plight are you implying?

My family and friends are all fine

Heart: The several who are dying

The little ones being attacked

Me: but what can I do about it?

I didn’t perpetrate the crimes

Heart: Express your anguish damn it!

Only then celebrate the festival of light

Yes! I am a poet, a writer. Someone who is just trying to make a foothold in this vast and diverse society after having suffered and struggled a lot. Like many others I also wanted to dwell on personal happiness and festivities and shopping. I also wanted to clean my own house or maybe even the street. 

And yet, today, my heart pains to see what the nation has come to. Toddlers being raped and killed, religious fanaticism, communal disharmony, suppression of basic freedom and much more. Are we progressing? This is not progress, this is digression. We are a modern nation with 70% population under the age of 35 but we are moving toward archaic times where sectarianism, bigotry and intolerance are becoming the norm. Freedom of expression, speech, freedom to follow what we like and eat and wear what we prefer are being questioned.

I pride myself as a modern Indian woman who considers religion as a very personal matter. Also i have grown up in a nation and a city where all strata and sections of society including women  are given the liberty to grow, earn and move around as free citizens. Why are these being curtailed? Why is no one speaking up. Why cant everyone else feel the anguish? 

How can you celebrate Diwali amidst all this darkness that the nation is plunging into. We need light and a galaxy full of it.

Tum

तुम्हारी याद दिल के एक कोने में अपना घर बनाए बैठी है

के मेरा दिल उस ही का घर बन के रह गया

बाकी जगह खाली ही पड़ी है

कई नये बाशिंदे दस्तक देते हुए  दिल में घर करना चाहते है

मगर ये है कि तुम्हे ही ले के बैठा है

मैं आज़ाद होना भी नही चाहती

पर फिर उस अधूरेपन क्या करूँ

जो तुम्हारे न होकर भी होंने का एहसास

हर पल मेरे इसी दिल के हर कोने में भर देता है

तुम लौट नही सकते हर शख्स मुझे ये समझता है

मैं नही समझा पाती उन्हे कि  लौट के तो वो आता है

जो कहीं जा भी सका हो, तुम तो गये ही नही, 

Dry Tears

My tears run in my veins like

The waters of a secret river

Hidden but ceaselessly flowing

I cry silently in vain while

Waves of grief fragmenting

My inner sanctum break

And memories, oh! they hound

Like the caverns in Xanadu silent

With a war waged underneath

I too want to soften and cry

Crumble like the earth wasted

Yet that’s a luxury I can’t afford

Forgiven

From the same tree born

From the same seed grown

One given all shade and nurtured

Other left to languish deserted

A shallow reason they had

You won’t carry our name, they said

That was an excuse so flimsy

They always were in the sway

Of partisan mindset and thought

That taught them to discriminate

Should they be forgiven again as ever?

And then perhaps be forgotten forever?

Every Day is Our Day

Well I don't agree with having a "Women's Day" designated to celebrate our existence. We exist and we do undeniably. In fact the whole man(?)kind exists because we do.

Women have let themselves be eulogized as daughters, sisters, wives and mothers and so have let their own self worth go to the dogs. Before a woman is any of these she is herself; a beautiful creation of the Almighty who has her own needs, her own preferences, her own desires, her own views and most importantly her own life.

Yes we exist; as ourselves, for ourselves and then for others. It is an added responsibility, to be someone’s daughter, sister, mother, wife or girlfriend. In some cases the role is natural and in some cases we take it on. Ironically every such role has criteria laid out by men and thus it is for their satisfaction and fulfillment of only their needs. They have succeeded in controlling us, overpowering us and bringing us to this point that we have to assert the mere fact that we exist. We have allowed our maternal and lovers instinct to overflow and never realized that we are not asserting ourselves and losing ground.

Even today on Women’s Day we are letting men praise us for being great sisters, daughter etc. and then women. I protest. I want to be first the woman that I am, free, independent and self-reliant and then willingly take up the roles I choose and give them as much as everybody else in the loop does. Why am I expected to give more? I don’t want to be the self-effacing, self-depriving Ideal woman. Whose ideals are they anyways?

Who are men to postulate these ideals? Who gave them this right? Why do they make the rules for us? The answer is because we have let them. In return of protection from the sexual atrocities that they ‘think’ they can perpetrate on us. They think that because we have let ourselves be vulnerable and weak. A man can walk in his underwear on national television but a woman in a bikini is not tolerated even on a beach. A penis doesn’t have to be virgin but a vagina has to be. A man who beds many women is a stud but such a woman is a slut. In both cases two consenting adults mate with each other for sexual satisfaction, neither uses the other so why attach such labels. I refuse to be called the weaker sex or the other (better or worse) half. I am a complete entity, comprising a microcosm in myself.

Some simple self-defense techniques, a sound education, a belief in our own worth as ourselves, a pride in our sexuality and demystifying virginity is what we need to assert ourselves. I too want to celebrate today but I want to celebrate the spirit of self-worth first as an individual not overshadowed by gender. I want to celebrate my love for myself. I stand for me being a human being first, and as equal as any other human being on this earth. I stand for someone who is her own self first. Women don’t need a day dedicated to them, they need to catch everyday by its horns and make the most of it.

Every day is our day. 

4 things I learnt - “Turning Forty”

Wanted to write something on the lines of 10 best things that happen to you at forty but realized that it is not my style

I can surely say that I learnt at least ‘One Big Idea’ in a decade.

Decade One- Effort Is All What It Takes:

 The first 10 years were full of play and carefree times. I remember when I didn’t score that well in grade 5 (I did well but not by my teachers’ or parents’ standards) My mom told me that if I studied more I would score more and I shot back that if no effort brings in this so many marks, why make an effort!!! Yet I decided to work more and see if it made a difference and it did! So here’s a toast to my Mom and Dad who left no stones un-turned to make a better person

Decade Two- Friends Are For Life And Love Is Fickle:

The friends I made back then are still in my life and still care a lot…They won’t let me cry, they won’t let me mope and my happiness is still important to them. Even those who were in love including me and those around me are better friends till date than they are lovers. Siblings too and in my case specially I forged a loving and enduring bond which is solid support. So here’s another toast, for my dearest Brother Abhishek to everyone but my Chintu.

Decade Three- If Life Gives You Lemons Make Lemonade And Drink It Away

It was mostly rough when carving a niche in the world but there were beautiful intervals of love and fulfillment, what with a child coming in your life! Naman my son has completed me with being born to me. Struggle, bad relationships, losses all can be taken in stride when you see an innocent face smiling at you. At this you also learn to deal with the world. It can take you on a ride this decade and then throw you flat on your face. What is essential is that you rise up again and start walking again. Here my adopted family, my in-laws came into picture and what a beautiful family it has turned out to be, enlightened, broadminded and loving. Thanks to them I am what I am today! Especially my father –in-law who valued me and loved me just like his own daughter.

Decade Four- Life Goes On!

Life goes on! It transforms you, breaks you, chisels you and you find your own self. For me my thirties turned out to be self-exploratory. I looked more within, became a more balanced person, calmer, more at ease with myself and peaceful. I experienced extremes of anger and hatred from others and from within myself but learnt to deal with it. Some beautiful people came in my life and changed it forever. Saroj I Love you! And Asheesh – you changed my life. Love the most illusionary mirage let me discover itself.
Tragedy struck and I lost my life partner. It all stopped for some time but then came the most valuable lesson; you have to go on. The memories remain but the person is not there. You can’t die with him, so better live and live the way he would have wanted you to! Here too friends and family again stood by me but the one person who was rock solid was my Bhabhi; Ashima you are the only actually named here. I love you!

So here I am toasting my 40^th with the people I love and cherish and with the memories of my late husband, who had always wanted me to live, grow and have a good time. I know Raman you would be happy to see me happy.

Parallel Lives

Common hopes
Similar dreams
Two parallel lives
Never converging

Same beliefs
Different decisions
Running together
Yet running apart

Hasty decisions
Rigid conclusions
Who could tell then
Who could guess

Life runs it's course
Battered but undefeated
We never meet yet
Are together till infinity

The Chase

Life's battles lonely harsh
All toil, sweat and blood
And the prize but a mirage

A long road, endless days
Futile pursuits of dreams
And the prize only shadows 

A happy or a sad phase

Nowhere the realisation
That its but a fruitless chase

Equivocation

How pictures lie and truth defy
Smiling faces hide a tear in the eye

Of hearts joined and a loving life
Are pretenses put up to hide strife ?

I fail to see the point being made
To evade whom do we equivocate?

Our scars and wounds are proofs
Of having lived the way we choose

Life is a stage, and an honest play
Is all we need to be happy and gay

The Story Cookpot

A writers dilemma : just poured itself out in verse form. Poems come more easily to me !!

Hey friends hark!!
A story is in the making
Its still brewing in the cook pot
Have added the main characters
Now flavours and dressing are it's lot..

What should I cook?
Something delicate or fragrant
Or something spicy and hot,
Something sweet and sugary
Or something with sauces fraught?

What should I write?
Should I make it lighthearted
Or go with a serious thought
Should love be its central theme
or should life be it's plot?

Am I really Strong?

Am I strong, resilient, dogged even?

I have been appreciated by many with these words since Raman passed away. Some find it appreciable that I am facing a life-changing and decisive event with strength. Others find it strange that I am able to laugh, smile and dress up. Still some other find it objectionable that I am not shedding copious tears at the sudden and irreparable loss. They ask each other whether I have I taken it lightly or taken it my stride.

It makes them wonder and the fact of the matter is that it makes me wonder too.

No! not their commentaries or interest though its quite wonderful to know that you are thought about and discussed so much, yet what makes me wonder is that this so called strong and resilient attitude comes to me in the natural course of things. I draw on this will to live from an inherent source not having to do any special digging in my heart's resources or soul searching

How it developed, this attitude or this quality to face life head on, I am not sure. Definitely upbringing; therefore parents had a big part to play and thank God for them. Then schooling, the lovely teachers and friends, and experiences also moulded it. It's in my make-up. It comes out naturally in difficult circumstances. A manufacturing defect - as Raman used to say.

Life goes on! I am me first in addition to being a wife, a mother, a daughter-in-law and so on. I value my existence, in fact I prize it.  I have loved these roles and still do but then i love myself too. I love myself more because I have gained and been able to retain this confidence after a turbulent, still very difficult but enriching life.

Love, the memories of it, still flood my nights and solitary moments but if I get weighed down by them how will I go on. They are my happy treasure and I preserve them in the deepest folds of my being. But I cant afford to be shocked and helpless all the time. I cant let my life drown in a deluge of unhappiness and tears. That would be the most unworthy tribute to a man who always encouraged me to be my own woman and blossom.

So here I am smiling, working and moving on not because I am strong, solid, resilient, frigid or cold but just because I am.

P.S : To those whom this bothers I offer no explanations or justification because I have none.

Ugly Voids

Promises meant to be broken

Words not meant only spoken

Intentions only expressed

Intended to be unfulfilled

Love has dried down

Rendering hearts frozen

The minds more shallow

The world a bit more hollow

Now things fill the empty spaces

Like ugly blotches on pretty faces 

Of God

All Gods invoked
All worshipped
Without asking why?

Does that bring peace
Or a bit of solace
Not even an inkling

My God resides with me
My own soul and mind
That can only bring peace

He dwells in my spirit
Fills my heart with eternity
My harbinger of strength

PS : All the diwali/Pooja fervour watched with a detached almost dejected heart this year brought ne to closer to this spirit in myself)

The Spider

I had wanted to shake it off,
But it has me in its web again
The life-spider spinning its cast
Throwing the silk on me unknown
Shrouding me in its deluding hues
Making me its next unwitting victim

But deep within this worldly web
dwells your light in my central core
washing me aglow and saving my soul
I live in your umbrage lighted from inside
Your voice, your touch, your thoughts
in an everlasting symbiosis,defying the spider