My Gang, #G, #AtoZChallenge

Friendship is a relationship that gets severely tested in case of women . We tend to let go of friends at a drop of a hat  on some trivial issues. Sometimes we just lose touch due to our busy lives in our marital homes nad at other times we get too involved in our spousal relations.

 I had done the same, forgotten some, lost some and ignored some. 

After I got married I simply got lost in a maze of family and relatives. Also my husband's friends became more important. I forgot my school and college friends or rather lost touch with most of them.

When my child grew up and I was out of the workforce for certain reasons I found time to look for them. I found some on  the then popular Orkut and Batchmates and then Facebook happened. Everyone found everyone and I jumped on the chance of organising a school reunion. (well that's a different tangent altogether)

After a few impromptu coffee meetings and two reunions, we found our gang. Like minded people who were either very close friends or acquaintances in school now formed a tightly knit group. 

We were a motley gang all different yet bound with a deep sense of friendship. People even laughed at the guys when they said that they were in a coffee kitty with 6 girls and 6 guys! A restaurant refused to give us kitty discount saying that they only gave it for ladies kitty! Sometimes it was just two of the men and rest all women and vice versa but we all gave two hoots about it. So much so that we had other schoolmates hankering after us for getting into the group. I must say spouses play a very important part and here the wives and the husbands got along too and we welcomed them with open hearts.

Its said that your friendships are tested in tough times. My friends stood by me like rocks.A few years down the line I lost my husband and my moorings in that order and they all rallied round me from that day on. They never let me feel that I was alone.

They supported me financially, psychologically and socially never ever making me feel burdened. Never did any of them leave me behind or forget to include me in their activities. Some activities were in fact planned specially for my benefit. They helped me stand on my feet, sending me business, references and sometimes even asking me to teach their kids. They counseled me, heard me out, guided me and They did it so subtly and so persistently that I finally found myself back again. They even visited me in the hospital when I was down with swine flu. 

When I found love again they were the first ones to endorse the relationship and encourage me. They were the only ones genuinely happy for me apart from my parents, brother and sister in law. Today this post is devoted to them all. My Gang. 

I miss you my friends, my people and know in my heart that you all are happy for me as I am for you!

Drama #AtoZ challenge # D

People indulge in lots of it and I find it futile except when it is the literary kind. I get exhilarated by Shakespeare, Marlowe and Shaw but the usual family or couple dramas, reel or real, God Save Me! I tend to switch off and shift my attention to something more informative. 

These days even news has drama.  Certain journalists think they are film actors spouting innate emotional phrases or political leaders shouting nationalist dialogues. Why do people indulge in such useless pursuits is something I fail to understand.

I have tried to analyse various situations and come to the conclusion that it’s either guilt we try to assuage or be righteous. Also sometimes it is the fear of losing a loved one after we have committed a mistake that we presume may have repercussions.

We are social people, we thrive on relationships and they make or mar us. Why don’t we come clean and be truthful in our closest relationships; either because we are afraid to lose them or they become frustrating. Wouldn’t it be less hurtful if a spouse came up clean on cheating episodes and asked for forgiveness (in that case first they should decide whether they want to keep up the pattern or be faithful) rather than calling the cheated upon spouse names and blaming them for  something they hadn’t done?  Again Wouldnt it be saving the situation if different generations in a family sat down together and resolved various family issues and came over generation gaps. We do that in our work scenarios, we deliberately avoid conflict and sullen faces till the situation gets out of hand. We even tend to resolve the situation by negotiating and without raising our voices because we know that our livelihood is at stake. Yet at home or during social situations we lose our cool and indulge in this drama because we take them for granted.

Drama should be kept for movies and stage. Relationships are tender and precious , drama is not a genre for them, meaningful communication is a better tool. A warm hug, a nod of  understanding, a loving look, a friendly smile and things get better!!!!

4 things I learnt - “Turning Forty”

Wanted to write something on the lines of 10 best things that happen to you at forty but realized that it is not my style

I can surely say that I learnt at least ‘One Big Idea’ in a decade.

Decade One- Effort Is All What It Takes:

 The first 10 years were full of play and carefree times. I remember when I didn’t score that well in grade 5 (I did well but not by my teachers’ or parents’ standards) My mom told me that if I studied more I would score more and I shot back that if no effort brings in this so many marks, why make an effort!!! Yet I decided to work more and see if it made a difference and it did! So here’s a toast to my Mom and Dad who left no stones un-turned to make a better person

Decade Two- Friends Are For Life And Love Is Fickle:

The friends I made back then are still in my life and still care a lot…They won’t let me cry, they won’t let me mope and my happiness is still important to them. Even those who were in love including me and those around me are better friends till date than they are lovers. Siblings too and in my case specially I forged a loving and enduring bond which is solid support. So here’s another toast, for my dearest Brother Abhishek to everyone but my Chintu.

Decade Three- If Life Gives You Lemons Make Lemonade And Drink It Away

It was mostly rough when carving a niche in the world but there were beautiful intervals of love and fulfillment, what with a child coming in your life! Naman my son has completed me with being born to me. Struggle, bad relationships, losses all can be taken in stride when you see an innocent face smiling at you. At this you also learn to deal with the world. It can take you on a ride this decade and then throw you flat on your face. What is essential is that you rise up again and start walking again. Here my adopted family, my in-laws came into picture and what a beautiful family it has turned out to be, enlightened, broadminded and loving. Thanks to them I am what I am today! Especially my father –in-law who valued me and loved me just like his own daughter.

Decade Four- Life Goes On!

Life goes on! It transforms you, breaks you, chisels you and you find your own self. For me my thirties turned out to be self-exploratory. I looked more within, became a more balanced person, calmer, more at ease with myself and peaceful. I experienced extremes of anger and hatred from others and from within myself but learnt to deal with it. Some beautiful people came in my life and changed it forever. Saroj I Love you! And Asheesh – you changed my life. Love the most illusionary mirage let me discover itself.
Tragedy struck and I lost my life partner. It all stopped for some time but then came the most valuable lesson; you have to go on. The memories remain but the person is not there. You can’t die with him, so better live and live the way he would have wanted you to! Here too friends and family again stood by me but the one person who was rock solid was my Bhabhi; Ashima you are the only actually named here. I love you!

So here I am toasting my 40^th with the people I love and cherish and with the memories of my late husband, who had always wanted me to live, grow and have a good time. I know Raman you would be happy to see me happy.

Am I really Strong?

Am I strong, resilient, dogged even?

I have been appreciated by many with these words since Raman passed away. Some find it appreciable that I am facing a life-changing and decisive event with strength. Others find it strange that I am able to laugh, smile and dress up. Still some other find it objectionable that I am not shedding copious tears at the sudden and irreparable loss. They ask each other whether I have I taken it lightly or taken it my stride.

It makes them wonder and the fact of the matter is that it makes me wonder too.

No! not their commentaries or interest though its quite wonderful to know that you are thought about and discussed so much, yet what makes me wonder is that this so called strong and resilient attitude comes to me in the natural course of things. I draw on this will to live from an inherent source not having to do any special digging in my heart's resources or soul searching

How it developed, this attitude or this quality to face life head on, I am not sure. Definitely upbringing; therefore parents had a big part to play and thank God for them. Then schooling, the lovely teachers and friends, and experiences also moulded it. It's in my make-up. It comes out naturally in difficult circumstances. A manufacturing defect - as Raman used to say.

Life goes on! I am me first in addition to being a wife, a mother, a daughter-in-law and so on. I value my existence, in fact I prize it.  I have loved these roles and still do but then i love myself too. I love myself more because I have gained and been able to retain this confidence after a turbulent, still very difficult but enriching life.

Love, the memories of it, still flood my nights and solitary moments but if I get weighed down by them how will I go on. They are my happy treasure and I preserve them in the deepest folds of my being. But I cant afford to be shocked and helpless all the time. I cant let my life drown in a deluge of unhappiness and tears. That would be the most unworthy tribute to a man who always encouraged me to be my own woman and blossom.

So here I am smiling, working and moving on not because I am strong, solid, resilient, frigid or cold but just because I am.

P.S : To those whom this bothers I offer no explanations or justification because I have none.

Passion

The other day I was teaching words to a student and he asked me what Passion meant?

For a moment I was baffled …I didn’t know how to explain a word and believe you me, it rarely happens. How do you explain passion, a word that has so much emotion attached to it? The intensity cannot be explained. I then told him that it was an abstract noun like love or hate for that matter but it signified more intense feeling. Lust is also a passion for that matter

Passion is one’s ardour or desire for someone. Let’s first deconstruct this myth that in coveting that person we love him or her, instead we tend to objectify that individual and from there stems my dislike for this kind of passion. Having exercised the same when young I realized that it was disastrous; disastrous not only to the relationship but also to one’s own self worth.  Not only does it take away the other person’s freedom and sense of individuality but also it makes you dependent and less ambitious. So this one has to be kept in check, the passion I feel should be directed to the relationship, keeping it alive and interesting and not towards the person.

Passion for things material is still more destructive; it puts you into harness and never lets you relax. The mad fury for money and things it can buy drives you into a pursuit which leaves you burnt out and empty. In order to pursue the ‘good things in life’ or rather the best things in life one first ignores and then forgets the simple pleasures of life. We ignore our parents, friends, spouse and children in this mad rat-race and by the time we realize that it was all futile, its too late. Passion for your work and ambition is natural and appreciable too; but the mad rush and greed is ignoble and avoidable too. I was exposed to this kind of cut-throat competitive world in the B-school. That I was appalled would be putting it too mildly, I was flummoxed , felt out of place and miserable and realized very early on that I would never succeed in the man-eat-man business world.

Another kind of passion is your passion for the finer joys of life, reading, music, meditation, dance, sport, painting, sculpting and much more. This passion can be enjoyed unbridled. It brings you satisfaction and pleasure. It keeps you calm and gives your natural abilities and charm a fillip. Ask a painter how he loves to see his hands covered with paint blotches, a sculptor who loves the aroma of wet mud or a book lover who touches the yellowed pages of an old book with tender love and care. Blessed are those who can find a vocation in their suchlike passions. Their paintings come alive, their sculptures speak and their books are their friends.

I find myself fortunate to be able to direct my passion to my work. It made me consider my life-partner his own individual self with his own pursuits and interests. Also I found satisfaction and pleasure though not too much money in writing, reading and teaching. It gave a certain meaning to my life and I a degree of satisfaction which I am sure I could never have achieved in any other walk of life. Any attempt to deviate still falls flat.  I gained peace and calm and now am heading towards a more spiritual and an easy to live in world. 

Competition or Contentment

You will face tough competition this week!! This line in my weekly horoscope today has set me thinking; thinking about competition in the context of my life today and realising that there is none: no competition whatsoever. 

Is it then a zen state of being that I have achieved? A state where I don't feel the need to keep up with anyone, anything or any pretenses. Or is this, as my father would say, giving up? Its neither, its only that I have just let go and become content.

The earliest memory of being highly competitive is from school; class V maybe or even earlier. I had to be the group leader, the class monitor, the house captain, the teachers' favourite and the class topper. No one else fought so hard for these coveted positions as I did losing in the process the chances to befriend several classmates. I was looked upon as the girl who will rat on their pranks and spoil the fun. Going to high school or bada school as we called it, I tamed myself a little and felt the need for good friends so I relinquished some space, but very little in fact too little.

I still had to be the high scorer, the best dancer, the best sports girl, the best instrumentalist, the best speaker, the best this and the best that. Today I understand that many people thought of me as haughty and arrogant. I lost many potential friends and maybe even lost out on the love of my life. I came across as a difficult person to trust and get along with. I realise now that in being unreasonably competitive I held a very narrow vision, I lacked actual ambition. By the time I was in college academics took a back seat. That it was a case of burnout or that in humanities stream I didn't face any competition or may be both , I don't know. 

But Hey! There was still a lot to compete for. Relationships took the fore, my friends had to be mine only and there were twinges of jealousy if another pair had a better equation. I couldn't bear to see my boyfriend talk to another woman and felt ignored. The competition now became a complex of the inferior kind. I was jealous, insecure and enclosed myself in my shell. It was misplaced competition, the energy instead should have been utilised for long term gains like a career and a stable income.

As the family grew so did the rat race, better clothes, better shoes, better jewellery, better schools for children, a better house, a better car; all better than THEM. THEM here encompassed all the people around me. I had to be the best. I competed for praise, attention, love and care not knowing that I was bringing friction in my ties. Friends and relatives were wary of me. Some didn't want to involve themselves and some hated me for being good just as I hated them for being better. It became a vicious circle.

To make the best of what you have is good, to strive for improvement in all spheres of life is still better but its destroying when you peg your happiness on being better than others. I have now realised that contentment rather competition is important. 

Contentment comes from being able to stand for your loved ones and family. Contentment comes when your child respects you for being a good mother. Contentment comes when my two little nieces tell everyone that they are their aunt's 'Lados'. Contentment comes when all your friends are concerned for you after they read a disturbing status. Last but not the least contentment comes when your life-partner stays by your side and lets you do your own thing but wont do his own thing without you. 

So whatever the horoscope might say I know that I have no competition now! I compete only with the self and strive to love it ,nurture it and be satisfied with all the Love that God has showered on me.

Being Blacky 2

Colourism as I learnt yesterday is the new term to define this widespread phenomenon. Yes!! Its so rampant and world-wide and it affects so many people in so many different countries, societies and strata of life, that it has now been elevated to the stature of being an "ISM" like Racism, Nazism, casteism and so on.

There are variants too- shadeism and pigmentocracy to name a few. 

In the US of A- the dreamland of  many Indians- its prevalent for ages. From the time of slavery, the blacks were an oppressed lot, black women were regarded ugly, dark, dirty, unhygienic, sexually uninhibited all because they were available to be exploited. The epitome of beauty was the Fair, Pink and white, Blonde haired european child- the Shirley Temple prototype. Where did the poor black girls stand a chance with her. The races mixed and there was a hierarchy built up: the darker you were the lower down on the rung you got, the fairer you were and the more privileged you were- Pigmentocracy!!

Would you believe it -they conducted the famous "Brown Paper Bag" test, the fairer the shade you were to the brown bag the better you were in stature- and mind it, this was among the blacks themselves!!! Its a proven fact that lighter skinned people get better jobs, better wages, more privileges and wonders of wonders shorter prison sentences- Shadeism!!

Consistent long term colonialism did the damage in many parts of the world including India. White was pure, pristine, virginal and beautiful and black or brown was all things opposite. The Indians resisted the white culture, stuck to their religion but they never questioned colourism being promoted. This resulted in social conditioning where fair was the criteria of beauty. 

But it will be unfair( I am now losing the context of this usage) to blame the Europeans completely. Didnt we depict in our own culture that Rama(good) was fair and Ravana (evil) dark. It has been prevalent since time immemorial then. Sita was fair, small statured, with long straight silky hair- our own symbol of beauty!!. Even Krishna- the God who had several gopis cavorting with him was depicted as having a complex from Radha his FAIR consort. Who are we kidding here??

Coming to modern times, the icons of Bollywood, fashion and television industry are all fair, with straight hair and they do take the pain of telling you how they got there- by applying fairness creams!!!! Simple!! Aint it??? And we the gullible ones want to be "Fair and Lovely"...how else would we be successful. Ehh?In the process the multi-million Rupee fairness and bleaching industry make a living and thrive on our complexes and insecurities. I say we are at fault not these companies and advertisements..we have given them the fodder to feed on. Its our insecurities and lack of confidence, our prejudice and bias that they are en-cashing.

I wear Red now....and green and orange and purple too...in fact Emerald and Ruby are my full time favourites...be it clothes, shoes or bags. Whatever did happen to make me do that, you would ask. Ill tell you now that I am baring it all.

Love happened!! A handsome FAIR boy fell for me. He was so madly in love with me that I had to elope with him...and believe me I was still gloating over the fact that he was the fairest of them all!!!! That was incentive enough. He made me feel beautiful and sexy and confident and coveted. I dressed in a red saree for my wedding and a darker red for my reception; he insisted and I was complimented so much that I regretted  not having worn it before. 

I was lucky- for once-that he cherished me. I was lucky because he didn't turn out to be an exploiter, though now I realise that anybody could have exploited me, with the state of mind I was in. I shudder at what my lack of confidence could have done to me. 

Then Facebook happened and out came my silent admirers from their closets and nooks. I was so surprised by the insistent likes and compliments on my photos that I thought they were all making fun of me. But Five years and several compliments later I am finally convinced that I am beautiful

This may seem like another rant but believe me its not...All I want is that people around me realise what damage it has caused me. I would like to mention here was it was not as if nobody at all supported me or appreciated me and my talents. All along my mom, brother, eldest maasi, her daughter, another cousin, some really really nice teachers, and some great friends were always there for me. I didn't have to put up a strong defiant front before them. I could be myself and they made me feel loved and desired.

Most importantly I want as many people as possible to realise what damage they do to someones psyche when they explicitly call them Darky, Blacky, Kaalia, Kaalo, kaalu, kallu, or implictly tell them to apply this or that concoction or avoid the sun. Please avoid telling people that certain colour doesn't suit them- its their skin, their dress and their choice. 

Stop  harassing little children regarding their skin colour, appreciate them for their uniqueness. Don't compare. Don't deprecate. It hurts- badly very badly. It damages their self-confidence. It sets them rolling on a destructive journey. It "colours" their ability to take decsions, to pursue happiness.

Parent must never slap these prejudices and complexes on their children. Don't unknowingly make their life hell. Let them be. Let them enjoy all the colours of nature. Learn to appreciate beauty in all its forms and shades and teach universal acceptance to the coming generation. Let them not face this ISM at all.

Being Blacky!!!!

I was merely 10 when I visited the Bata shop  with an older and wiser cousin, a new pair of sandals were in order and my preference was...they should cover as much as possible of my feet and they had to be white...only white...no red, orange or green, not even black. After all my ugly dark feet could not look better in any other colour! Di told me that I should go for Black instead, it was the darkest colour after all and everything will look better against it. Hmmm, food for thought and bingo...the colour BLACK became my saviour.

My own father probably was the one most disappointed with my dark complexion. His wife, my mom after all was porcelain white; how did his only daughter turn out dark and ugly? People used to look at me and say, "She takes after father, her mother is so fair, unlucky girl." No one ever noticed that my face,my features were an apt and (now I know a pretty) mixture of both my parents. Then came years of lathering on fairness creams to make me lighter ; Clear tone, Fair and Lovely, Naturally fair, White Tone; you name it and I can tell you that I have used them day in and day out....it changed nothing. I was still the Kaalo of the family. I want to warn you here that skin bleaching, specially the daily kinds is extremely harmful, even deadly. I learnt of this when a friends father (a pharmacist) told me the facts.

My mom was the only one who didnt fervently want me to grow fair overnight. She repeatedly told me to develop my abilities and work on my talents. She told me repeatedly that I was her prettiest child though my little brother was as fair as her before he became a sportsman . Hard though she tried , she couldn't help me retain my confidence. It was slipping everyday. repeated comparisons with the pretty, fair children of North India specially the sikh girls(no offence meant) ate into my being.  

My dark complexion became the bane of my life. In stage shows, dances and anchoring at school, I saw fair girls being preferred over me, though I had considerable talents in all these spheres. A teacher, they are the worst here, chose me to be the engine of a children train on annual day, saying that I fit the role naturally, blacky that I was. As if I was her pet dog. I cried all day and all night that annual day. when they painted my face black, I didnt want it taken off! EVER!!

It affects your psyche, when aunties tell you to use the Doodh-haldi-besan face pack to get fairer, when an uncle tells you to go dip your face in the Sukhna lake waters everyday to get to at least "dusky" tone and when your father says that Red is not your colour. When the boy you think has a crush on you goes on to propose to your fair friend, who is not half as smart as you, it breaks your heart at a tender age. I had a firm hardset belief right at the age of 14 that I was not suitable marriage material: dark complexion and curly hair- where did I stand the chance ???

This is not prejudice, this is cruelty. This is not discrimination, this is colourism, pigmentocracy. 

to be continued....

Success and Failure

Who do you consider successful in life and who is a failure?Who in the world sets these standards? How do we set the benchmark?Are these two terms relative to each other?

Now these thoughts might be surfacing in my almost 40 year old mind due to mid-life crisis or due to hormonal changes because up until last year I thought of myself as a survivor. I had been working hard despite the circumstances, making something out of nothing and providing love, support and care to those around me.Having chucked a regular job for the well being of the family- believe me it was crucial- and not having regretted it till date. 

But suddenly today I am confused about it. When I look back at the past years I cannot accept that I have been a failure but when I compare it with others around me I don't see myself as a success too. Gandhi said “Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment. Full effort is full victory.” 

Is it really enough, making full efforts? Again, how do you know if more effort was required?Is success measured only by five figure monthly income, a big car, a big house and lots of disposable income?And no I am not deriding those who had the potential,ambition and the single-mindedness to have worked hard to reach these levels. All I am saying is that there cannot be and should not be comparison. It should be your own goal, your own benchmark and your own volition to decide. Your own cake to bake and enjoy- depends on you if see how big and beautiful it is or how nice it smells and tastes!! 

Is success directly proportional to happiness?? Are these hugely successful people really happy? They may be or they might not be. Maybe that is not the question after all. Our own happiness is determined by our own attitude towards our life goals. I am happy now as compared to five years back because I have been able to rebuild my life, thanks to some really great people in my life and some good solid friends. I have a house, a car that I drive and some disposable income, not in millions but helps me through my needs and desires.

Maybe now is the time to take another turn in life and try and achieve the material success and status in life, meaning; earn more money, buy a bigger house, own more jewelry, clothes, gadgets, shoes and bags than what I already have,travel to destination holidays and cities. (I really would like the last one. Maybe it is not really material after all!!)

But I doubt if Ill make it, because I lack ambition. I am really happy with the smaller things in life. Like A nice stroll in the garden in my commonplace sweatpants and running shoes...yeah! coz i can still break into a run, sitting in a corner and writing a poem, reading a good book, doing yoga, meditating, eating butter chicken, chatting with friends and dreaming that my child will also be a happy and easy soul like me.

Who knows if Ill be successful ever!!! but happy I am!!

My Tryst with Yoga!!

Do meditation, yoga or gymming for that matter help you become a better person?

For once in life I have a lot of time in my hand and an urgent need to be fit what with suddenly finding out that I have a thyroid disorder, lo and behold all this while I was thinking that I am gaining the kilos because I eat Kurkure.

Going to the gym definitely makes you fit. One of my best pals swears by the cardio and weight training routine and says Yoga is not for her because its too sedate. Another day I was reading a book by Gauri Jayaram and she also said the same thing, so Payal - you stand validated.

I tried to go to the neighbourhood fitness center too- oh! what a strain my muscles took.My arms still ache when I think of the dumbbells. After the first three months I never renewed the subscription! Not my cup of tea..I like cake with it. 

I found yoga my best friend. It stretches , shapes and tones me while also making me calm and peaceful and hence happy. It gives my day a nice fresh start. Its cardiovascular as well as mild weight training rolled in one. But the best benefit is the peace it brings you. Doing my asansas and pranayam first thing in the morning makes me happy, channelises my raw energy and makes me a better person to deal with (I am known to be difficult person!! Something many people, specially my buddies will vouch for)

And now to take it further I am learning to meditate..tough ask I tell you. for someone who was good at studies but never could never score due to lack of concentration, (Hey! I still always made it to top 5 though and I wish I had taken our yoga teacher more seriously) its sheer torture to sit at one place and close your eyes and try to think of nothing and breathe. But its showing results...for starters I have stopped raising my voice  and I try hard to think at least twice before losing my cool. 

The best thing that this heady mixture of yoga and meditation has done to me is that I don't fight back, I don't argue (now I just choose to glare quietly but intensely at the concerned person) and I have learnt to let things be!! I have learnt to focus on what is good for me and recognise what is bad energy. 

Fitting into my old University jeans of course is the cherry on the cake- (I want a devilishly happy grinning emoticon here :D !!!)

So I want to share with those who care to read me that its plain good- Yoga made ME calmer , more focused and fitter- so many of you can try. Though if like some, you find Gym more fruitful please dont laugh out loud . And i would be lying if I didn't tell you that I do go for a walk-run in the evening (5 minutes walk and 2 minutes run at intervals for only 25 minutes).

So here's to be a fitter and better person!!!

A Rant.

Can I live in isolation?

Away from all these people who expect me to be the super woman,wife,daughter and sister. Who want me to there for them when they need me and then cast me aside whenever they feel like it.

There are so many people in the world who are secure in their parents love but not the 'lucky me' because my own father loves his dear son to perfection and so his wife and children are in eternal protection of the scion of the family. Enjoying the comforts and luxuries while both do nothing to earn, why should they deign to work?? 

I have no right to his wealth since I chose to marry on my own. I am no longer his responsibility. But I am responsible to them. I am called upon only when the services of a chauffeur or a man-Friday is needed. Another occasion for me being called up are family functions where daughters should be present otherwise questions will be asked. Then there is the brother who turns up only when he needs money and these days he doesn't even need that. His wife tops them all with so much respect and love that she gives me and my child when we do turn up at the parents' house (an event that sets her heart on fire) that I rue the day I was born in this house.

The husband needs you only to cook, clean and have the house in order. Sexual satisfaction is a service for me and obligation for him. How can I be such a slut, asking for sex?  And I don't earn (all my services in the house being unpaid) so I don't have any rights to raise my voice or objection, forget being asked for an opinion. Taking a cue the mother-in-law behaves as if I don't exist. She talks only to her faithful and loyal son and her affection and services are reserved for her own dear daughter. Both conveniently forget that I chucked up a promising career twice for the family's sake, specifically when his father was diagnosed as terminally ill. For three months I nursed him, visited the hospitals with him, tried to bring him peace of mind and broke my back and a re-surging career in the process while his own wife turned her back and slept when he was moaning in pain. 

Now when I have taken up writing- a passion long suppressed- all I do is "sit with the laptop and do facebooking" (if there's such a term??). Meeting friends is taboo because he can't keep any and I then automatically lose the right to have any.  Reading books or listening to music is foreign to his being and thus a wasteful indulgence. Culture?-what bird is that?? 

Wearing good clothes and putting on make-up is an indication that I am probably going to meet up with an ex-boyfriend (The slut that I am). Shopping for branded clothes is like asking for a solitaire...so imagine what would asking for one entail. 

Yes I am ranting... because these are complaints you can't take to the police.

The modern urban fathers, brothers and husbands have taken up these means to harass and discriminate against their daughters,sisters and wives. Can anyone tell me how to fight this subtle torture which gnaws at you and you cant even cry out in pain?

All I have realised is that I should have never sacrificed my career. Now I will not give up writing and once I get independent- Ill rent a cottage, pile it with books, clothes, music, films and live there with these inanimate things which won't suck my life out of my being.

Block

It hasn't been coming to me. No new ideas, no new words and hence no new stories or poems. Cant write anything.
I cant even say that I am facing a writer's block...you have to be a writer for that.
Children are not fascinating, birds dont chirp and mundane is that only MUNDANE

Is it the Winter Blues....???

Why do men have double standards?

Why do men have double standards?

Why is it that when they are promiscous, its STUD LIKE.(Really?!?!?) but the women they use are termed sluts.Or does this term only gets in use for women.In todays modern times women having more than one sexual partner should be looked down upon and men still beconsidered "players" for having sex with more than one woman

It’s just one word… but it is sexist, discriminative, and extremely powerful. Being labeled a ‘slut’ can destroy a woman’s self-perception, irrevocably tarnish her reputation and even drastically alter her destiny. The male equivalent – stud, player or stallion – though often equally fictitious, can be a ticket to respect and admiration. Even with the prevalence of today’s, booty-shaking videos and the numbing impact of Sex in the City, “slut” still has the power to insult and degrade like no other word in the English language. If words are to be banned based on the power to inflict harm, then slut should be near the top of the list. But the focus instead should be on how to remove the power from the word itself.

All women and men who really respect women (not just for the Rhetoric) please contribute and comment!