Silent Tears

Life’s silent tears
Festering and unhealing
Causing eternal lacerations
Which fill eyes with dry salt
Love’s but a ghost
Eluding yet haunting
Chasing coloured-paper dreams
Which crumple sleeplessly

Ambition #AtoZBloggingChallenge

In setting the course of our life we forget to live life like it was meant to be. In following the fish eye we forget the beauty that's scattered around us.

He said,, let's go

We are set on course

Let's achieve that pinnacle

I will guide your path

My dreams, yours, ours

Let's  focus on that fish eye

I said, please stop

Let's take in the scene

Resist the relentless push

I want to make some art

My dreams are mine, not ours

I wish to enjoy the journey too

Renewal

The noise is transforming
New rhythms returning
My heart beating anew
The melody is trickling in

The sky is brightening up
No longer dull and grey
My eyes shining again
The sun is peeping through

The storm is calming down
Not threatening to engulf
A smile on my lips
The horizon drifting in sight

Drama #AtoZ challenge # D

People indulge in lots of it and I find it futile except when it is the literary kind. I get exhilarated by Shakespeare, Marlowe and Shaw but the usual family or couple dramas, reel or real, God Save Me! I tend to switch off and shift my attention to something more informative. 

These days even news has drama.  Certain journalists think they are film actors spouting innate emotional phrases or political leaders shouting nationalist dialogues. Why do people indulge in such useless pursuits is something I fail to understand.

I have tried to analyse various situations and come to the conclusion that it’s either guilt we try to assuage or be righteous. Also sometimes it is the fear of losing a loved one after we have committed a mistake that we presume may have repercussions.

We are social people, we thrive on relationships and they make or mar us. Why don’t we come clean and be truthful in our closest relationships; either because we are afraid to lose them or they become frustrating. Wouldn’t it be less hurtful if a spouse came up clean on cheating episodes and asked for forgiveness (in that case first they should decide whether they want to keep up the pattern or be faithful) rather than calling the cheated upon spouse names and blaming them for  something they hadn’t done?  Again Wouldnt it be saving the situation if different generations in a family sat down together and resolved various family issues and came over generation gaps. We do that in our work scenarios, we deliberately avoid conflict and sullen faces till the situation gets out of hand. We even tend to resolve the situation by negotiating and without raising our voices because we know that our livelihood is at stake. Yet at home or during social situations we lose our cool and indulge in this drama because we take them for granted.

Drama should be kept for movies and stage. Relationships are tender and precious , drama is not a genre for them, meaningful communication is a better tool. A warm hug, a nod of  understanding, a loving look, a friendly smile and things get better!!!!

Broken

I would lay myself bare

Peel my skin

Shred my innards

To pour myself unto you

But I don't yield 

My being and body

My heart and soul

Hardened and cold

Fragile and brittle

Hammered, 

Broken

into sharp fragments 

I split In a thousand shards 

10 Important Life Realisations

I always knew it but had forgotten in the insecure atmosphere of last 1-1/2 year.

1. It's OK to have less... 

   Spend less. Happiness is not directly proportional to your pay check. It's directly proportional to spending time with your loved ones.

2. Its OK to wear again what you have worn earlier. 

   No body pays attention to what brands you are wearing, It's important to be neat, clean and decently put together.  We wear just a few favorite clothes, fewer pieces of jewellery, a few pairs of shoes, and still fewer handbags

3. Wholesome homemade food is good food. 

   Eating out should be restricted.It reflects, adversely, on your health not on your status.

4. Live the way you want to.

   No one is impressed by what car you are driving and what house you are living in They are all busy with their own things and if someone does they are not your kind of people.

5. Love yourself.Follow your heart. 

   You live only once. Live it up!

6. Cultivate a hobby.

    Learn to play an instrument, paint, cycle or whatever you have always wanted to do. It helps you get i touch with your inner self and that is enlightening.

7. Learn to dance

   It liberates you, gives you a sense of peace, coordination, balance and exercises your body and mind

8. Read books.

   They bring the world to your table. Nothing more needs to be said yet they give you a vision, a broader perspective and sometimes lessons that last a life-time

9. Travel to broaden your horizon.

   On travel, there are beautiful untouched places in our own country and we travel for our relaxation and exploration not to impress others.

10. Be there .

    For the people in your life Your parents, children,siblings,friends and those who have less than you have. Dignity and respect comes from being there and being good when you are needed.

Parallel Lives

Common hopes
Similar dreams
Two parallel lives
Never converging

Same beliefs
Different decisions
Running together
Yet running apart

Hasty decisions
Rigid conclusions
Who could tell then
Who could guess

Life runs it's course
Battered but undefeated
We never meet yet
Are together till infinity

The Chase

Life's battles lonely harsh
All toil, sweat and blood
And the prize but a mirage

A long road, endless days
Futile pursuits of dreams
And the prize only shadows 

A happy or a sad phase

Nowhere the realisation
That its but a fruitless chase

Equivocation

How pictures lie and truth defy
Smiling faces hide a tear in the eye

Of hearts joined and a loving life
Are pretenses put up to hide strife ?

I fail to see the point being made
To evade whom do we equivocate?

Our scars and wounds are proofs
Of having lived the way we choose

Life is a stage, and an honest play
Is all we need to be happy and gay

Am I really Strong?

Am I strong, resilient, dogged even?

I have been appreciated by many with these words since Raman passed away. Some find it appreciable that I am facing a life-changing and decisive event with strength. Others find it strange that I am able to laugh, smile and dress up. Still some other find it objectionable that I am not shedding copious tears at the sudden and irreparable loss. They ask each other whether I have I taken it lightly or taken it my stride.

It makes them wonder and the fact of the matter is that it makes me wonder too.

No! not their commentaries or interest though its quite wonderful to know that you are thought about and discussed so much, yet what makes me wonder is that this so called strong and resilient attitude comes to me in the natural course of things. I draw on this will to live from an inherent source not having to do any special digging in my heart's resources or soul searching

How it developed, this attitude or this quality to face life head on, I am not sure. Definitely upbringing; therefore parents had a big part to play and thank God for them. Then schooling, the lovely teachers and friends, and experiences also moulded it. It's in my make-up. It comes out naturally in difficult circumstances. A manufacturing defect - as Raman used to say.

Life goes on! I am me first in addition to being a wife, a mother, a daughter-in-law and so on. I value my existence, in fact I prize it.  I have loved these roles and still do but then i love myself too. I love myself more because I have gained and been able to retain this confidence after a turbulent, still very difficult but enriching life.

Love, the memories of it, still flood my nights and solitary moments but if I get weighed down by them how will I go on. They are my happy treasure and I preserve them in the deepest folds of my being. But I cant afford to be shocked and helpless all the time. I cant let my life drown in a deluge of unhappiness and tears. That would be the most unworthy tribute to a man who always encouraged me to be my own woman and blossom.

So here I am smiling, working and moving on not because I am strong, solid, resilient, frigid or cold but just because I am.

P.S : To those whom this bothers I offer no explanations or justification because I have none.

The Spider

I had wanted to shake it off,
But it has me in its web again
The life-spider spinning its cast
Throwing the silk on me unknown
Shrouding me in its deluding hues
Making me its next unwitting victim

But deep within this worldly web
dwells your light in my central core
washing me aglow and saving my soul
I live in your umbrage lighted from inside
Your voice, your touch, your thoughts
in an everlasting symbiosis,defying the spider

Twigs

Broken twigs don't
Make a strong nest

Love is a delusion
Fascinating in its trance

Stark realities hard facts
Life has such gifts to offer

Use them and offer yourself
Both way the grind is yours

Humane

We do not make love
we only make hate

like animals
to breed to multiply

yes we copulate
to satisfy our carnality
we are left with that

rest we have shed

falling below animality
we are not humane
once named humans

Let it Be!!

A vague connection
That led you to me
a latent spark
that fired two hearts

A kindred bond
between our two souls
An unbridled attraction
Entangling us for life

A heartening tie
That refuses to weaken
and brings me peace
calm, joy and happiness

A river flowing its course
With waters pure pristine
Fresh, cool and life giving
We flow with the flow of love

I could go on and on
Describe it in words
But to put a name to it
Will make it common

I refuse to inquire
Lets give up the inquiry
Not give it more thought
Let us just let it be!

A Living Shell

Stark Room
Cold Bed
Wet Pillow
Bloodshot Eyes
and A Shattered Dream

Living Shell
Deadened Heart
Empty Mind
Listless Limbs
and A Fettered Soul

Life Runs
Love Stops
We Walk
They Call
and An Ongoing Circus

Competition or Contentment

You will face tough competition this week!! This line in my weekly horoscope today has set me thinking; thinking about competition in the context of my life today and realising that there is none: no competition whatsoever. 

Is it then a zen state of being that I have achieved? A state where I don't feel the need to keep up with anyone, anything or any pretenses. Or is this, as my father would say, giving up? Its neither, its only that I have just let go and become content.

The earliest memory of being highly competitive is from school; class V maybe or even earlier. I had to be the group leader, the class monitor, the house captain, the teachers' favourite and the class topper. No one else fought so hard for these coveted positions as I did losing in the process the chances to befriend several classmates. I was looked upon as the girl who will rat on their pranks and spoil the fun. Going to high school or bada school as we called it, I tamed myself a little and felt the need for good friends so I relinquished some space, but very little in fact too little.

I still had to be the high scorer, the best dancer, the best sports girl, the best instrumentalist, the best speaker, the best this and the best that. Today I understand that many people thought of me as haughty and arrogant. I lost many potential friends and maybe even lost out on the love of my life. I came across as a difficult person to trust and get along with. I realise now that in being unreasonably competitive I held a very narrow vision, I lacked actual ambition. By the time I was in college academics took a back seat. That it was a case of burnout or that in humanities stream I didn't face any competition or may be both , I don't know. 

But Hey! There was still a lot to compete for. Relationships took the fore, my friends had to be mine only and there were twinges of jealousy if another pair had a better equation. I couldn't bear to see my boyfriend talk to another woman and felt ignored. The competition now became a complex of the inferior kind. I was jealous, insecure and enclosed myself in my shell. It was misplaced competition, the energy instead should have been utilised for long term gains like a career and a stable income.

As the family grew so did the rat race, better clothes, better shoes, better jewellery, better schools for children, a better house, a better car; all better than THEM. THEM here encompassed all the people around me. I had to be the best. I competed for praise, attention, love and care not knowing that I was bringing friction in my ties. Friends and relatives were wary of me. Some didn't want to involve themselves and some hated me for being good just as I hated them for being better. It became a vicious circle.

To make the best of what you have is good, to strive for improvement in all spheres of life is still better but its destroying when you peg your happiness on being better than others. I have now realised that contentment rather competition is important. 

Contentment comes from being able to stand for your loved ones and family. Contentment comes when your child respects you for being a good mother. Contentment comes when my two little nieces tell everyone that they are their aunt's 'Lados'. Contentment comes when all your friends are concerned for you after they read a disturbing status. Last but not the least contentment comes when your life-partner stays by your side and lets you do your own thing but wont do his own thing without you. 

So whatever the horoscope might say I know that I have no competition now! I compete only with the self and strive to love it ,nurture it and be satisfied with all the Love that God has showered on me.

Success and Failure

Who do you consider successful in life and who is a failure?Who in the world sets these standards? How do we set the benchmark?Are these two terms relative to each other?

Now these thoughts might be surfacing in my almost 40 year old mind due to mid-life crisis or due to hormonal changes because up until last year I thought of myself as a survivor. I had been working hard despite the circumstances, making something out of nothing and providing love, support and care to those around me.Having chucked a regular job for the well being of the family- believe me it was crucial- and not having regretted it till date. 

But suddenly today I am confused about it. When I look back at the past years I cannot accept that I have been a failure but when I compare it with others around me I don't see myself as a success too. Gandhi said “Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment. Full effort is full victory.” 

Is it really enough, making full efforts? Again, how do you know if more effort was required?Is success measured only by five figure monthly income, a big car, a big house and lots of disposable income?And no I am not deriding those who had the potential,ambition and the single-mindedness to have worked hard to reach these levels. All I am saying is that there cannot be and should not be comparison. It should be your own goal, your own benchmark and your own volition to decide. Your own cake to bake and enjoy- depends on you if see how big and beautiful it is or how nice it smells and tastes!! 

Is success directly proportional to happiness?? Are these hugely successful people really happy? They may be or they might not be. Maybe that is not the question after all. Our own happiness is determined by our own attitude towards our life goals. I am happy now as compared to five years back because I have been able to rebuild my life, thanks to some really great people in my life and some good solid friends. I have a house, a car that I drive and some disposable income, not in millions but helps me through my needs and desires.

Maybe now is the time to take another turn in life and try and achieve the material success and status in life, meaning; earn more money, buy a bigger house, own more jewelry, clothes, gadgets, shoes and bags than what I already have,travel to destination holidays and cities. (I really would like the last one. Maybe it is not really material after all!!)

But I doubt if Ill make it, because I lack ambition. I am really happy with the smaller things in life. Like A nice stroll in the garden in my commonplace sweatpants and running shoes...yeah! coz i can still break into a run, sitting in a corner and writing a poem, reading a good book, doing yoga, meditating, eating butter chicken, chatting with friends and dreaming that my child will also be a happy and easy soul like me.

Who knows if Ill be successful ever!!! but happy I am!!