Keepers at home (oikourous) #K, #AtoZChallenge

Are you Oikourous, Keepers at home, homemaker, workers at home?

Do you manage your household duties well?

Do you take good care of your household?

Well if you are then you are certainly justifying this word which has been only used Once in The Holy Bible. You are a Godly woman.

Oikourous, is a Greek word which means keepers at home.  The Bible says that women should be keepers at home. In older times good Christian women were advised  by the church to stay at home , look after the children and house and obey their husbands. Though there are examples where women were engaged in various occupational and economic activities yet mostly it was interpreted that the role of the woman is confined to household duties. Later it was adapted to suit working ladies as keepers OF home not AT home. Meaning they could work outside given that they do not neglect their duties at home. I am surprised that even today Amazon has as best sellers books which prescribe a curriculum for Godly women to teach their daughters the tips and tricks of being good wives and mothers.

The word may be Greek and used in the Bible but almost every culture has a similar theory. All cultures suggest and perpetrate the theory that women are nurturers and keepers and their foremost duty is to keep the home and hearth healthy.

In India and many South Asian cultures as well as the Arab world women are still relegated to housework; unpaid, unending and thankless. Rural women also take on farming, looking after the animals and looking for firewood. Only a minuscule section of very highly earning women living in ultra modern cities can yet afford to put up their feet as soon as they are home and order food. The condition of lower class women is still worse. They work as maids and servants n homes and shops, then go back home and fulfill their housekeeping duties and then wait for their drunkard husbands to come home and beat them and take away all their earnings.

It has been observed that women in India make only 27% of the working force. Those who work mostly take on both; paid jobs and unpaid housekeeping.  Don’t be taken in with the numbers though. Chinese women make 64% of the work force yet they also take on double duties.

So be it any culture women are burdened with houseeeping duties regardless of class or income group. The house and the children are their prime responsibility, the husband if helps does so grudgingly or will only handle the financial and shopping for the groceries part. Thechildren don’t help either.

The family members need to help each other run the house. Times have changed. We are no longer hunter gatherers or early farmers. Women are just not nurturers, they are as human as all the men. Women can work in all areas and do wonders. They can be equal earning members and add to the economical productivity of the country and the world. To achieve this they have to be relieved of this burden. The responsibility also should be shared.

The husband needs to help even if the wife is not working because this work is monotonous and back breaking as well as emotionally stressful. They need to take care of their wives physical and emotional health.

May be the men should be Oikourous too the keepers of/at home. The word is not gender specific after all. Equality may well begin at home too.

Passion

The other day I was teaching words to a student and he asked me what Passion meant?

For a moment I was baffled …I didn’t know how to explain a word and believe you me, it rarely happens. How do you explain passion, a word that has so much emotion attached to it? The intensity cannot be explained. I then told him that it was an abstract noun like love or hate for that matter but it signified more intense feeling. Lust is also a passion for that matter

Passion is one’s ardour or desire for someone. Let’s first deconstruct this myth that in coveting that person we love him or her, instead we tend to objectify that individual and from there stems my dislike for this kind of passion. Having exercised the same when young I realized that it was disastrous; disastrous not only to the relationship but also to one’s own self worth.  Not only does it take away the other person’s freedom and sense of individuality but also it makes you dependent and less ambitious. So this one has to be kept in check, the passion I feel should be directed to the relationship, keeping it alive and interesting and not towards the person.

Passion for things material is still more destructive; it puts you into harness and never lets you relax. The mad fury for money and things it can buy drives you into a pursuit which leaves you burnt out and empty. In order to pursue the ‘good things in life’ or rather the best things in life one first ignores and then forgets the simple pleasures of life. We ignore our parents, friends, spouse and children in this mad rat-race and by the time we realize that it was all futile, its too late. Passion for your work and ambition is natural and appreciable too; but the mad rush and greed is ignoble and avoidable too. I was exposed to this kind of cut-throat competitive world in the B-school. That I was appalled would be putting it too mildly, I was flummoxed , felt out of place and miserable and realized very early on that I would never succeed in the man-eat-man business world.

Another kind of passion is your passion for the finer joys of life, reading, music, meditation, dance, sport, painting, sculpting and much more. This passion can be enjoyed unbridled. It brings you satisfaction and pleasure. It keeps you calm and gives your natural abilities and charm a fillip. Ask a painter how he loves to see his hands covered with paint blotches, a sculptor who loves the aroma of wet mud or a book lover who touches the yellowed pages of an old book with tender love and care. Blessed are those who can find a vocation in their suchlike passions. Their paintings come alive, their sculptures speak and their books are their friends.

I find myself fortunate to be able to direct my passion to my work. It made me consider my life-partner his own individual self with his own pursuits and interests. Also I found satisfaction and pleasure though not too much money in writing, reading and teaching. It gave a certain meaning to my life and I a degree of satisfaction which I am sure I could never have achieved in any other walk of life. Any attempt to deviate still falls flat.  I gained peace and calm and now am heading towards a more spiritual and an easy to live in world. 

Competition or Contentment

You will face tough competition this week!! This line in my weekly horoscope today has set me thinking; thinking about competition in the context of my life today and realising that there is none: no competition whatsoever. 

Is it then a zen state of being that I have achieved? A state where I don't feel the need to keep up with anyone, anything or any pretenses. Or is this, as my father would say, giving up? Its neither, its only that I have just let go and become content.

The earliest memory of being highly competitive is from school; class V maybe or even earlier. I had to be the group leader, the class monitor, the house captain, the teachers' favourite and the class topper. No one else fought so hard for these coveted positions as I did losing in the process the chances to befriend several classmates. I was looked upon as the girl who will rat on their pranks and spoil the fun. Going to high school or bada school as we called it, I tamed myself a little and felt the need for good friends so I relinquished some space, but very little in fact too little.

I still had to be the high scorer, the best dancer, the best sports girl, the best instrumentalist, the best speaker, the best this and the best that. Today I understand that many people thought of me as haughty and arrogant. I lost many potential friends and maybe even lost out on the love of my life. I came across as a difficult person to trust and get along with. I realise now that in being unreasonably competitive I held a very narrow vision, I lacked actual ambition. By the time I was in college academics took a back seat. That it was a case of burnout or that in humanities stream I didn't face any competition or may be both , I don't know. 

But Hey! There was still a lot to compete for. Relationships took the fore, my friends had to be mine only and there were twinges of jealousy if another pair had a better equation. I couldn't bear to see my boyfriend talk to another woman and felt ignored. The competition now became a complex of the inferior kind. I was jealous, insecure and enclosed myself in my shell. It was misplaced competition, the energy instead should have been utilised for long term gains like a career and a stable income.

As the family grew so did the rat race, better clothes, better shoes, better jewellery, better schools for children, a better house, a better car; all better than THEM. THEM here encompassed all the people around me. I had to be the best. I competed for praise, attention, love and care not knowing that I was bringing friction in my ties. Friends and relatives were wary of me. Some didn't want to involve themselves and some hated me for being good just as I hated them for being better. It became a vicious circle.

To make the best of what you have is good, to strive for improvement in all spheres of life is still better but its destroying when you peg your happiness on being better than others. I have now realised that contentment rather competition is important. 

Contentment comes from being able to stand for your loved ones and family. Contentment comes when your child respects you for being a good mother. Contentment comes when my two little nieces tell everyone that they are their aunt's 'Lados'. Contentment comes when all your friends are concerned for you after they read a disturbing status. Last but not the least contentment comes when your life-partner stays by your side and lets you do your own thing but wont do his own thing without you. 

So whatever the horoscope might say I know that I have no competition now! I compete only with the self and strive to love it ,nurture it and be satisfied with all the Love that God has showered on me.

Story Telling; A Fascinating Experience

Some experience are cathartic. Organising a story session for little kiddos was one such experience for me. 

Such wondrous expressions! such giggles! such open smiles! They pierced deep inside me. The little kids were so excited that I could see the animation in their faces. 

It was a collaborative effort with Pratham Books - a not for profit children's book publisher to inculcate and encourage reading habit among the young readers.

The children trickled in hesitating and I too was apprehensive as to whether I shall be able to hold their attention. They were not all familiar to each other but were open and mingled so fast with each other that my opinion about kids being innocent and free of any prejudices that we adults get bugged with, was reinforced.

The story was about Paplu a giant with a big heart, the dacoit Angaar and their travails. The most interesting part for the kids was when they realised that the giant had no clothes and had hidden in the jungle till the village folks made him a kurta pyjama with rags. 

As the story ended they were totally involved and finished the story with a big shout in unison. 

The most wondrous part was that when I offered them coke and some food they took it only after finishing the activity lined out for them: to colour a sketch of the Paplu's kurta pyjama in different colors. Shows how dedicated they can be when they choose to, after all there was the prized book to be won. 

They wanted to read the story themselves, see the pictures and learn new words. I was satisfied that they enjoyed my session and didn't get bored. Also I could see that they were now more open to and interested in reading, the main purpose of the enterprise. 

Definitely a very satisfying and wholesome experience for me. It was a specially appropriate contribution by me as a part of the literary set and a parent on International Literacy day

Fast Money

Fast Money: it is a term largely unfamiliar to our generation and definitely foreign to people before that. It is the wealth generated with primarily unfair means which the young ones follow to achieve a coveted end; their bottomless abyss of desires...

The college going youth these days NEED swanky cars and high-end gadgets like mobile phones and lap tops. They NEED credit cards to pay bills at restaurants and take girlfriends for shopping. The difference here is they need it when they have not still reached the stage where they have earned the moolah

"So what! Our parents have!!"..is the refrain when you try to reason with them. The irony is that those whose parents either can't or won't allow this uninhibited splurging take to unfair means like stealing, fraud, credit card thefts, forgery and even murder.

Being a teenager's mother, I get shivers down my spine when I read news items where young boys steal and sell motorcycles to be able to take their girlfriends to posh restaurants and shopping malls or when to-be engineers with a promising career and ample talent are lead astray to engage in wheeling and dealing with fake currency. Stealing mom's jewellery or raiding dad's pockets is not even considered theft by these youngsters.

Are they solely to be blamed for this love of THINGS and BRANDS? Are they to be blamed for indulging in this rat-race where their clothes, shoes, phone, laptop and credit card limits are the factors that make or mar their image?

No! I think that we are as much to be blamed as parents. It is we, our generation of go-getters who have instilled this materialism in our children. Our parents, those who were born in late 40s and 50s and their parents, worked hard when the nation was re-building itself. They considered it bliss if they were able to buy a TV set and a two wheeler. We got a platform from where we built our lives but we had to make our own efforts and fight our own battles.  In turn we are the ones who were fiercely competitive and materialistic.

This reflects in the way we have brought up our children. Just like our home had to have the best decor, better than what Mrs. Sharma had, our child also had to go to the best convent school in the city regardless that the said school was no longer the best in terms of either results or environment. Then he demanded that he had to go the school in a big-chauffeur driven car because all other children did so and his birthday party had to be at the trendiest joint in the city and we gave in. We didn't mind or did we? After all he was the apple of our eyes.

In progression we provide them with the X-boxes and PSPs and NIKE sports gear and everything that our money can buy. But what we forget is to make them understand the effort, hard work and stress that goes behind dad's credit card limit. We forget to teach them the value of this success and wealth. Is it their fault then that they take it and us for granted?

By the time we realise our folly, it is too late. They don't want to work on their own to satisfy their need and desires. They don't have the patience to wait for their careers to flourish. They just need everything now and here irrespective of the source where the money comes from.

The fire in their bellies is not of ambition but desire and when the fuel from parental sources dries up, as it eventually would , they take to unfair means. Its like an addiction, you have to have the drug- beg, borrow or steel and then they fall in the quagmire of crime to quench this thirst.The line between material success and crime is very thin- crime is the easiest path to achieve it

We as young parents should remember to instil the right values of hard-work, toil and patience in our child.We should, first of all, ourselves set an example by giving up the fierce materialism and competitiveness that we have developed in our generation. The 'comparison' culture should be abandoned. We have to outgrow this attitude.

We should inspire them to achieve the heights that they desire to soar to through rightful means and teach them the true value of honesty and integrity. Saying that, it should not be an excuse for shirking responsibility and not giving them the basic platform and support which nourishes them to have a fruitful and fulfilling life.

Also goes without saying that we should encourage them to be achievers but on their own steam and see to it that they are clever, kind and loving instead of being cunning, mean and selfish.

A Rant.

Can I live in isolation?

Away from all these people who expect me to be the super woman,wife,daughter and sister. Who want me to there for them when they need me and then cast me aside whenever they feel like it.

There are so many people in the world who are secure in their parents love but not the 'lucky me' because my own father loves his dear son to perfection and so his wife and children are in eternal protection of the scion of the family. Enjoying the comforts and luxuries while both do nothing to earn, why should they deign to work?? 

I have no right to his wealth since I chose to marry on my own. I am no longer his responsibility. But I am responsible to them. I am called upon only when the services of a chauffeur or a man-Friday is needed. Another occasion for me being called up are family functions where daughters should be present otherwise questions will be asked. Then there is the brother who turns up only when he needs money and these days he doesn't even need that. His wife tops them all with so much respect and love that she gives me and my child when we do turn up at the parents' house (an event that sets her heart on fire) that I rue the day I was born in this house.

The husband needs you only to cook, clean and have the house in order. Sexual satisfaction is a service for me and obligation for him. How can I be such a slut, asking for sex?  And I don't earn (all my services in the house being unpaid) so I don't have any rights to raise my voice or objection, forget being asked for an opinion. Taking a cue the mother-in-law behaves as if I don't exist. She talks only to her faithful and loyal son and her affection and services are reserved for her own dear daughter. Both conveniently forget that I chucked up a promising career twice for the family's sake, specifically when his father was diagnosed as terminally ill. For three months I nursed him, visited the hospitals with him, tried to bring him peace of mind and broke my back and a re-surging career in the process while his own wife turned her back and slept when he was moaning in pain. 

Now when I have taken up writing- a passion long suppressed- all I do is "sit with the laptop and do facebooking" (if there's such a term??). Meeting friends is taboo because he can't keep any and I then automatically lose the right to have any.  Reading books or listening to music is foreign to his being and thus a wasteful indulgence. Culture?-what bird is that?? 

Wearing good clothes and putting on make-up is an indication that I am probably going to meet up with an ex-boyfriend (The slut that I am). Shopping for branded clothes is like asking for a solitaire...so imagine what would asking for one entail. 

Yes I am ranting... because these are complaints you can't take to the police.

The modern urban fathers, brothers and husbands have taken up these means to harass and discriminate against their daughters,sisters and wives. Can anyone tell me how to fight this subtle torture which gnaws at you and you cant even cry out in pain?

All I have realised is that I should have never sacrificed my career. Now I will not give up writing and once I get independent- Ill rent a cottage, pile it with books, clothes, music, films and live there with these inanimate things which won't suck my life out of my being.

Gender Issues

The other day a friend and I were talking about pressure of writing.

This post has another pressure behind it. Actually its a pressure of an altogether another kind, a social obligation-( but am I really socially responsible?- this question comes to mind instantly too!). Then I realise that each one of us is as responsible as we are vulnerable.

The issue is crime against women. Although everyone is talking about it, yet the more it is talked about the better it is. As a friend mentioned sustaining the momentum is vital. It is stringent that the it remains alive.

Getting back to the point, its about the beastly behaviour of fellow human beings towards women which hasn't slackened even after violent protests and world wide condemnation of the Delhi gang rape incident. The heinous crimes continue and news columns are filled with reports of sexual abuse, rape, flesh trade and domestic abuse.Its appalling that men of all ages, class, social status indulge in such torture and humiliation of women.

The question is WHY? Why do they do it? Why does their conscience not tug at their hearts when they get down to such behaviour. My mind says that they do it because they are afraid of their own weaknesses and the only sphere a modern woman still remains helpless is the sexual/physical sphere. Its the only soft target left for the "stronger" sex. They enjoy their sheer physical power over women.

In the course of evolution the men became the hunter gatherers so they needed the strength which they developed and women who gave birth were obliged to look after essentially the children and home-hearth. This was simple, logical division of labour and evolution. Why has this gone to their heads? The men think they can dominate and subjugate women but they don't realise that its their minds which are small. A women can rise up again like a phoenix from any point of being destructed. Can a man do that? 

What is more disturbing is the involvement of many women in this never ending cycle of female infanticide, foeticide, rape, molestation, sexual abuse and dowry killings. Women are directly and indirectly involved in perpetrating the torture as well as tolerating it in their homes and surroundings. We have to rise for ourselves first and amend our own thinking and break the stereotypes we live with. We have to put our foot down...indeed stamp it heavily and  protest against dowry trading, girl child abuse and infanticide. Unless we stand for ourselves why should the men bother??

Secondly, the above issues are open and direct but we have to change the mindset of the society. We as mothers can do it very effectively. We can begin by teaching our sons to respect the women in their world. We should instil in them the fact that men and women are equal. That they have no right to question any woman's morality or character by the way of her dress or behaviour. That they have no right to even touch a woman unless with her absolute and explicit compliance. That nothing is understood by her clothes, smile or look- its only their interpretation. She is as free as they are.   We do teach them that but we should set an example with our own behaviour and not just didactic teachings.

More importantly we should teach our daughters to respect themselves. They should be in a position to demand respect, privacy and independence. As mothers it is our duty to empower our daughters-to enable them to have a platform from where they emerge as confident, independent and self-defence ready- mentally and physically to face all the challenges in life.

Woman is the creator and nurturer of this race on earth...she has to regain her position as the equal sex; the ying and the yang are complimentary forces not opposing. There is no stronger or weaker sex. The sooner we all realise this - irrespective of our genders - the better it will be for our social well being.

Finally as Vivekananda said, "“The best thermometer to the progress of a nation is its treatment of its women.” I guess we still have a long way to go.

Single Child and Siblings

I have a single child. We took the decision when he was about to be born that we shall not have another baby be it a boy or a girl.

We were not just being modern, it was a practical decision. We felt that we were starting out and being responsible for the life we were bringing into the world, we should be able to provide well for him. Having another child to share would be too much.

Five years passed peacefully but then the familial pressure to have another baby started. We didn't succumb to the emotional blackmail. So at the end of 16 years of marriage, we are the proud parents of a wonderful boy.

Yesterday my belief that its no use to have siblings was restored. In fact it was reinforced.

Siblings, be it any sex and age become husbands/wives and parents and then it all changes. Your priorities and circumstances change the way you once regarded your own brother/sister. Ego the blasted virtue comes to the fore, one fights and in some cases even turn the very people whom you grew up with out of the house ; even take their lives. Insult, abuse and backstabbing for parental property are common.  They chose to remain unaware of your problems only thinking about their own issues and judging your behaviour accordingly. 

The belief that only a family will come to your rescue in troubled times, is also in my opinion, a folly. In today's material world the only thing of value is money...You are looked up-to only if you are making some and respected only if you are able to dole out some. Dole out some more and you will find many eager souls vying with each other to help you.

I thank God and my father for making me stick to my belief that a single child is the best option.I will not be forced to choose between my own children and he will never feel let down by his parents or the non-existent siblings.