I Know

You did go, I know

I saw you wave goodbye

Then leap into the sky

My eyes were closed, yet

I know you left, you did go

They brought you home

Quiet, I saw I cried 

I saw you rise into the air

Burning on that sandalwood 

I am sure you left, you did go

I see you everyday

In the blue sky waving 

In the raindrops smiling

I hear you whisper our songs

And so I know you didn't go! 

The Clouds

Playing hide & seek with the sun

Across the evening sky they float

A grey and white medley in cotton

Damsels dancing on a blue road

I watch them move gently past

Wondering if they will come across

The ones I have loved and lost

In this life's wretched course

Have the clouds ever moved you

Swimming in the blue grey expanse

Wishing upon them to take my soul

To see them by happenstance

Loss

Loss

It's buried deep, the loss

But the thorn still bristles

When memory chooses

To bring it back to me

On days such as this

When all that is lost

Decides to be found 

And Jolts my numb soul

The loss surfaces and

My wounds open up

The tears are dried up

A flood drowns me within

खुश हूँ मैं

 

रोज़ तो नही मगर कभी कोई

लम्हा सवाल सा छोड़ जाता है

ऐसे सवाल जिनके जवाब नहीं

वो चुभते नासूर हो जाते है

 

ज़ख्म जैसे भी हो, भर जाते हैं

मगर पुरानी भूली चोट में भी

टीस तो हर सर्दी में उठती है

क्या ऐसी सर्दी की दर्द उसे होती है

 

क्या उसे कभी महसूस हुआ

जो दर्द उसकी चुप्पी ने मुझे दिया

जब मेरी पनिली आंखों ने

उसके मन का सूखा देखा

 

क्या  उसे भी वो आह सुनती होगी

जो मेरे होठों  पे दबी रह गयी

उसकी अन्तरात्मा कचोटती होगी

जब उसे मेरा ख्याल आता होगा

 

खुश हूं मैं अपनी ज़िन्दगी से

बस किसी दिन एक

एक गुजरता सा लम्हा

एक सवाल सा छोड़ जाता है

 

Book Review : Chaos In Romance, Sexuality and Fidelity

Title: Chaos In Romance, Sexuality and Fidelity

Author: Raksha Bharadia

Publisher: Rupa

Price: Rs. 295

Pages: 218

The first things that grab your attention besides the title are the funny illustrations on the cover page as well as inside. They set the tone of the book. The book is written in a lighthearted and fluent manner but the contents are highly interesting and enlightening. 

The book is non-fiction which has successfully analyzed the human ideas of romance, sexuality and fidelity and the innate chaos as the title suggests. I for one find it difficult to plow through non-fiction but this one was an easy read. The author uses lucid language and several examples and anecdotes to elucidate her points. The language is used cleverly and correctly.

 The ideas in the book are worth exploration. She was able to make me think beyond the black & white aspects of romance and specially infidelity. She has a worldwide view but focuses on the Indian society and successfully interrelates both.

One feature of the book is the thorough research and utilization of expert opinions in bringing home the point that the author is trying to make and that is "We are like that only." We as human beings are not meant for long term monogamous relationships. Mind you she does not advocate infidelity or multiple affairs but only offers a deeper, more human understanding of the ideas. She encourages us by emphasizing again and again that we need to be more tolerant as society and individuals of a certain deviation in relationships. 

I for one believe that she is right when she talks about how relationships and especially marriage has changed due to the various steps of evolution and how it has come to stand now in the age of social media and new age. She delves on the so called thrill in a new and/or illicit relationship, the boredom phenomenon and the routine inertia in our which pushes us to seek another. "All you need is Love leaves you plan less and powerless to deal with all the inevitable problems of living together."

She has touched upon changes in family structures, the gender equation and the need to bring changes to make it more balanced and also how more freedom has changed the relationship status. “Our Modern urbanized lifestyle, our compact living spaces, our tight schedules, our modern enchant for individualization has perhaps led to the disintegration of these familial and communal bonds."

After reading this I have developed a more forgiving and hopefully more evolved view of the so called chaotic situations as well as the inherent nature of our relationships and how we should be less judgmental of the same, be it in our own lives or those of the others. Also it has helped realized the finer nuances of my own relationship with my spouse and put to rest many self-doubts I had. 

The editing could have been tighter. Also the author has touched upon and researched only the modern big city milieu, leaving the rural and small town aspect untouched

It is good book to read at any age and stage of life as it will give you the tools to understand yourself and your significant other better. It will also help you understand why is there so much expectation, hope and joy as well as the dashing of these expectations, hopelessness and sadness in our relationships. 

Be warned that it doesn't give you the solutions to these issues outright, maybe because the premise of the book itself is that these are not problems to be solved but only to think about and ponder and maybe just understand and accept. 

रहने दो!

तुम रहने दो

हाँ! रहने ही दो

मेरा साथ देना

साथ तैरना तुम्हारे

लिए मुमकिन नहीं

मैं तैरना ही नहीं

उड़ना भी चाहती हूं

मगर तुम्हारे पैरों

में पत्थर बंधे हैं

झूठे शिष्टाचार और

खोखली मान्यताओं के

भारी भरकम पत्थर

जिनकी ज़जींरो को मैं

नहीं खोल पाऊँगी

कोई नहीं खोल पाएगा

सिवाय खुद तुम्हारे

अपना वजूद खोकर

वापिस वो ढूढता है

जिसका वजूद पनपा हो

बरगद के नीचे

कुछ नहीं पनप सकता

तुम रहने दो

बस रहने दो!

Every Kiss Counts

Every kiss counts
Every moment a varied hue

The imagined first kiss
Which still exists in my heart

The shy unspoken one
Which still lingers on your lips

The hasty half kiss
Abandoned when someone came

The hazy drunk one
Details forgotten yet real

The filial caring kiss
Planted on the forehead softly

The daily hurried one
Brushing the cheek saying bye

Lastly the complete on the mouth kiss
Passionate, satiating and intense

And every time with every kiss
I possess a little more of you.

Roses

He didn't give me 

A rose today. 

Neither did I 

We never do

We never have

A rose means love

They say, we don't. 

Love to us means

Many different things 

Roses may or may not

Our love is ours

I give it to him

He to me. 

That is enough

For what is Us. 

Boook Review : The Age of Innocence

Book Review

The Age of Innocence
By Edith Wharton
Bantam Classics
300 Pages
July 2006 Ed.

It has an Introduction by Wendy Wasserstein who gives us a comparison of the modern America and the America that Edith Wharton used as the social setting in her books. She dwells on Wharton’s personal life and how it affected her writing. Her introduction makes the enigmatic characters to us a little more relevant and understandable. I usually skip introductions and launch into the story fast but this was, on first intention, an exercise less in entertainment and more in literary appreciation That’s the focus of my reading of this year.

The book is set in the America of the 1870s when the New England settlers still held on to their New England norms and mores. Where divorce, as Newland Archer, the hero says is legally accepted but socially abhorred. They live in their small world of nobility where gentlemen only pretend to work and foreigners are excluded where marriages are sacrosanct and European ways are unapproved . In their world family and its traditions are upheld at the cost of individual thought, freedom and of course love.  In one of conversations Madame Olenska asks why they looked for new lands when they had to keep the old ways.

The book spans thirty years of the life of Newland Archer, his fiancée and later on wife May Welland and her cousin Madame Olenska. The affianced couple have their lives pushed into turmoil by the arrival of Ellen Olenska. To say more will reveal the plot. The story is of love:  intense but inarticulate,  and how they all live through this. Does Archer do what he is supposed to do? Is Ellen really the woman she has been projected as? The book keeps you hooked till the end. The peripheral characters Mrs. Mingott, Beaufort and Mrs. Archer along with others weave a web of wonder around the main characters.

What thoughts/feelings it provoked in me? I was disheartened by their situation and wanted to change the course they took. I understood their wishing for a world where they could only live for each other and their grief and helplessness over its non-existence.

The literary part and its significance. It’s a beautifully written book with deep insight as well as inside information of the America of her time. The writing is lucid and simple. The descriptions are short and crisp and she never loses her grip on the plot.  She brings to light how they were changing in late 1800s and now we can see now how they have. I was forced to think about our situation here in India we are still caught up in caste, poverty and class struggle while sticking to the same type of rigidities. Maybe it will also take us another 150 years.

For me a work of fiction should give you pleasure as well as insight and arouse some emotion. This one did all of it.

The Moth Eaten Moon

A slow waning moon
Losing shape and light
Not attracting the sea now
Shushed by endless whispers

Worry lines etched all over
A moth eaten frayed arc
Among dark fearful clouds
Falling down the dark abyss

Voids #V, #AtoZChallenge

Some voids don’t fill up
They always gape wide

A wound left unsealed
Like a hole in the heart

An empty searing pain
A silent tearing cry

She wakes up lonely
Even her tears are dry

Unlearn #U, #AtoZChallenge

Ye Women!please heed
You are not property
Nor just a thing
You are a living being

Not mother not sister
Daughter or a wife
You are a woman too
And a right to live

Unlearn your roles
Unlearn your mores
Sacrifice, care and compromise
Come after your own self

Temerity #T, #AToZChallenge

Short clothes
Late nights
Booze and smoke
All alone
What temerity

You ask for it
Then say NO
How do I understand
Been the boss
Never heard no

Old or little
Woman or girl
Old or young
Women are chattel
Sold and bought

Milked dry
Happy or wry
It doesn’t matter
You have no voice
Rape is your destiny

Home or jungle
Stranger or known
A woman is to be had
Why such hue and cry
What temerity!

Single #S, #AtoZChallenge

Are you married

When are you going to

Are you unhappy

Oh!He ditched you

Don't want children

Are your parents Ok

Are you Divorced

Are you widowed

Sorry, Its a couple thing

Hey you will be all alone

How do I set you a place

Who will buy you drinks

A husband has a roving eye

A wife is dissatisfied

Lets pair you up c'mon

All will be well then

Stop! I don't want your advice

Nor sympathy, neither malice 

I have chosen this life

I am single by choice 

The Rose Garden #R , #AtoZchallenge

Mom called the backyard Dad's rose-garden. It was a small plot of land at the back of the house. Everything but roses grew in that wild space. Weeds, long grasses, bushes of wild plants.Nobody actually had the time to take care of the plot. 

Dad always intended to. He had grand plans. He wanted it to be a beautiful garden with a manicured lawn and landscaped beds of roses. He was only a planner. Mom executed most of his plans and they made a great team. Gardening though was not her cup of tea.

Dad wanted to have his morning tea in that rose-garden sitting on a white wicker chair with a round glass top table. He had always planned to read his newspaper and sip his earl grey with cheese crackers. He also planned to listen to his music in the evenings there while having a drink or two.

Shruti, their daughter was the passive listener to all his plans. She wondered often as to why he didn't hire a gardener and get it done with. One day she asked mom. "He wants to do it himself. Its his retirement plan", said mom. She was as usual dismissive of the idea, even ridiculing it.

That day Shruti sweated all day stoically to remove the weeds and sow the grass. She manicured the flower beds, planted rose bushes of all types. The flowers will bloom in spring and all beds will have different coloured  roses. A set of white cane table and chairs was brought in. Then she spread his ashes all over the Rose Garden. The earl grey was steeping in the tea pot, so were the tears in the two women's eyes.

Quest #Q #AtoZChallenge

My quest has only just begun
Life has never been frolic and fun
Yet I am still to find myself

The grind has taken its toll
Tired ,I want to chuck it all
And look for the reason I exist

I know I want to do it alone
My journey is mine and mine alone
All fetters I want to now break

I may fail to find anything
The travails may prove nothing
Yet I hope to find the lost me

Patriarchal Bargain #P, #AtoZchallenge

Shush! He will hear you shout

Girls don't speak so loud

Don't even ask to go out

Girls don't roam without

Look pretty, look demure

Wear certain clothes to allure

Mom herself only whispered

Her voice they never heard

They were happy when she cooked

And her trip to home was booked

it was a happy bargain made

Saved her life and upped her grade 

My college sojourn had to be won

With a promise of indiscretion none

No men, no love , no outing , no joy

Get educated and we will find a boy

I was told to get home on time

Never think of being behind the chime

Then they all wait for Their turn

For another woman to boss on

To enjoy the fruits of their bargain

And over the house they reign

After years they are up a notch

In this hierarchy gone debauch 

Patriarchal bargain is a term coined by Turkish author and researcher Deniz Kandiyoti in 1988, which describes a tactic in which a woman chooses to accommodate and uphold patriarchal norms, accepting gender roles that disadvantage women overall but maximizing her own power and options. (Wikipedia). So they end up compromising collective good for individual gains.

Outrage #O #AToZChallenege

Outrage

Of Modesty

Of freedom

Of liberty

Of innocence

Of beliefs

Of life

And then we create

a useless 

outrage of words

Normal #N, #AtoZ Challenge

I work

Earn Money

Don’t keep house

And like all men

Demand my rest

I like a drink or two

And like dining out

No I don’t smoke

And like all else

That’s also a choice

I stay up late

Wake up late

Stay out late

That’s also a choice

Norms are not for me

Your normal is suffocating

Your normal is demeaning

I am happy with my normal

Your rebel is my normal

My me is my normal 

Mirage #M, #AtoZChallenge

She kept walking
In the desert of life
Looking for a stream
Searching love and life

An arduous journey
No life giving elixirs
No magical oases
No songbirds singing

She still walked on
Taking everything on
Looking for a sign
Running after a mirage