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तुम्हारी याद दिल के एक कोने में अपना घर बनाए बैठी है

के मेरा दिल उस ही का घर बन के रह गया

बाकी जगह खाली ही पड़ी है

कई नये बाशिंदे दस्तक देते हुए  दिल में घर करना चाहते है

मगर ये है कि तुम्हे ही ले के बैठा है

मैं आज़ाद होना भी नही चाहती

पर फिर उस अधूरेपन क्या करूँ

जो तुम्हारे न होकर भी होंने का एहसास

हर पल मेरे इसी दिल के हर कोने में भर देता है

तुम लौट नही सकते हर शख्स मुझे ये समझता है

मैं नही समझा पाती उन्हे कि  लौट के तो वो आता है

जो कहीं जा भी सका हो, तुम तो गये ही नही, 

Dry Tears

My tears run in my veins like

The waters of a secret river

Hidden but ceaselessly flowing

I cry silently in vain while

Waves of grief fragmenting

My inner sanctum break

And memories, oh! they hound

Like the caverns in Xanadu silent

With a war waged underneath

I too want to soften and cry

Crumble like the earth wasted

Yet that’s a luxury I can’t afford

Forgiven

From the same tree born

From the same seed grown

One given all shade and nurtured

Other left to languish deserted

A shallow reason they had

You won’t carry our name, they said

That was an excuse so flimsy

They always were in the sway

Of partisan mindset and thought

That taught them to discriminate

Should they be forgiven again as ever?

And then perhaps be forgotten forever?

Every Day is Our Day

Well I don't agree with having a "Women's Day" designated to celebrate our existence. We exist and we do undeniably. In fact the whole man(?)kind exists because we do.

Women have let themselves be eulogized as daughters, sisters, wives and mothers and so have let their own self worth go to the dogs. Before a woman is any of these she is herself; a beautiful creation of the Almighty who has her own needs, her own preferences, her own desires, her own views and most importantly her own life.

Yes we exist; as ourselves, for ourselves and then for others. It is an added responsibility, to be someone’s daughter, sister, mother, wife or girlfriend. In some cases the role is natural and in some cases we take it on. Ironically every such role has criteria laid out by men and thus it is for their satisfaction and fulfillment of only their needs. They have succeeded in controlling us, overpowering us and bringing us to this point that we have to assert the mere fact that we exist. We have allowed our maternal and lovers instinct to overflow and never realized that we are not asserting ourselves and losing ground.

Even today on Women’s Day we are letting men praise us for being great sisters, daughter etc. and then women. I protest. I want to be first the woman that I am, free, independent and self-reliant and then willingly take up the roles I choose and give them as much as everybody else in the loop does. Why am I expected to give more? I don’t want to be the self-effacing, self-depriving Ideal woman. Whose ideals are they anyways?

Who are men to postulate these ideals? Who gave them this right? Why do they make the rules for us? The answer is because we have let them. In return of protection from the sexual atrocities that they ‘think’ they can perpetrate on us. They think that because we have let ourselves be vulnerable and weak. A man can walk in his underwear on national television but a woman in a bikini is not tolerated even on a beach. A penis doesn’t have to be virgin but a vagina has to be. A man who beds many women is a stud but such a woman is a slut. In both cases two consenting adults mate with each other for sexual satisfaction, neither uses the other so why attach such labels. I refuse to be called the weaker sex or the other (better or worse) half. I am a complete entity, comprising a microcosm in myself.

Some simple self-defense techniques, a sound education, a belief in our own worth as ourselves, a pride in our sexuality and demystifying virginity is what we need to assert ourselves. I too want to celebrate today but I want to celebrate the spirit of self-worth first as an individual not overshadowed by gender. I want to celebrate my love for myself. I stand for me being a human being first, and as equal as any other human being on this earth. I stand for someone who is her own self first. Women don’t need a day dedicated to them, they need to catch everyday by its horns and make the most of it.

Every day is our day. 

4 things I learnt - “Turning Forty”

Wanted to write something on the lines of 10 best things that happen to you at forty but realized that it is not my style

I can surely say that I learnt at least ‘One Big Idea’ in a decade.

Decade One- Effort Is All What It Takes:

 The first 10 years were full of play and carefree times. I remember when I didn’t score that well in grade 5 (I did well but not by my teachers’ or parents’ standards) My mom told me that if I studied more I would score more and I shot back that if no effort brings in this so many marks, why make an effort!!! Yet I decided to work more and see if it made a difference and it did! So here’s a toast to my Mom and Dad who left no stones un-turned to make a better person

Decade Two- Friends Are For Life And Love Is Fickle:

The friends I made back then are still in my life and still care a lot…They won’t let me cry, they won’t let me mope and my happiness is still important to them. Even those who were in love including me and those around me are better friends till date than they are lovers. Siblings too and in my case specially I forged a loving and enduring bond which is solid support. So here’s another toast, for my dearest Brother Abhishek to everyone but my Chintu.

Decade Three- If Life Gives You Lemons Make Lemonade And Drink It Away

It was mostly rough when carving a niche in the world but there were beautiful intervals of love and fulfillment, what with a child coming in your life! Naman my son has completed me with being born to me. Struggle, bad relationships, losses all can be taken in stride when you see an innocent face smiling at you. At this you also learn to deal with the world. It can take you on a ride this decade and then throw you flat on your face. What is essential is that you rise up again and start walking again. Here my adopted family, my in-laws came into picture and what a beautiful family it has turned out to be, enlightened, broadminded and loving. Thanks to them I am what I am today! Especially my father –in-law who valued me and loved me just like his own daughter.

Decade Four- Life Goes On!

Life goes on! It transforms you, breaks you, chisels you and you find your own self. For me my thirties turned out to be self-exploratory. I looked more within, became a more balanced person, calmer, more at ease with myself and peaceful. I experienced extremes of anger and hatred from others and from within myself but learnt to deal with it. Some beautiful people came in my life and changed it forever. Saroj I Love you! And Asheesh – you changed my life. Love the most illusionary mirage let me discover itself.
Tragedy struck and I lost my life partner. It all stopped for some time but then came the most valuable lesson; you have to go on. The memories remain but the person is not there. You can’t die with him, so better live and live the way he would have wanted you to! Here too friends and family again stood by me but the one person who was rock solid was my Bhabhi; Ashima you are the only actually named here. I love you!

So here I am toasting my 40^th with the people I love and cherish and with the memories of my late husband, who had always wanted me to live, grow and have a good time. I know Raman you would be happy to see me happy.

Parallel Lives

Common hopes
Similar dreams
Two parallel lives
Never converging

Same beliefs
Different decisions
Running together
Yet running apart

Hasty decisions
Rigid conclusions
Who could tell then
Who could guess

Life runs it's course
Battered but undefeated
We never meet yet
Are together till infinity

The Chase

Life's battles lonely harsh
All toil, sweat and blood
And the prize but a mirage

A long road, endless days
Futile pursuits of dreams
And the prize only shadows 

A happy or a sad phase

Nowhere the realisation
That its but a fruitless chase

Equivocation

How pictures lie and truth defy
Smiling faces hide a tear in the eye

Of hearts joined and a loving life
Are pretenses put up to hide strife ?

I fail to see the point being made
To evade whom do we equivocate?

Our scars and wounds are proofs
Of having lived the way we choose

Life is a stage, and an honest play
Is all we need to be happy and gay

The Story Cookpot

A writers dilemma : just poured itself out in verse form. Poems come more easily to me !!

Hey friends hark!!
A story is in the making
Its still brewing in the cook pot
Have added the main characters
Now flavours and dressing are it's lot..

What should I cook?
Something delicate or fragrant
Or something spicy and hot,
Something sweet and sugary
Or something with sauces fraught?

What should I write?
Should I make it lighthearted
Or go with a serious thought
Should love be its central theme
or should life be it's plot?

Am I really Strong?

Am I strong, resilient, dogged even?

I have been appreciated by many with these words since Raman passed away. Some find it appreciable that I am facing a life-changing and decisive event with strength. Others find it strange that I am able to laugh, smile and dress up. Still some other find it objectionable that I am not shedding copious tears at the sudden and irreparable loss. They ask each other whether I have I taken it lightly or taken it my stride.

It makes them wonder and the fact of the matter is that it makes me wonder too.

No! not their commentaries or interest though its quite wonderful to know that you are thought about and discussed so much, yet what makes me wonder is that this so called strong and resilient attitude comes to me in the natural course of things. I draw on this will to live from an inherent source not having to do any special digging in my heart's resources or soul searching

How it developed, this attitude or this quality to face life head on, I am not sure. Definitely upbringing; therefore parents had a big part to play and thank God for them. Then schooling, the lovely teachers and friends, and experiences also moulded it. It's in my make-up. It comes out naturally in difficult circumstances. A manufacturing defect - as Raman used to say.

Life goes on! I am me first in addition to being a wife, a mother, a daughter-in-law and so on. I value my existence, in fact I prize it.  I have loved these roles and still do but then i love myself too. I love myself more because I have gained and been able to retain this confidence after a turbulent, still very difficult but enriching life.

Love, the memories of it, still flood my nights and solitary moments but if I get weighed down by them how will I go on. They are my happy treasure and I preserve them in the deepest folds of my being. But I cant afford to be shocked and helpless all the time. I cant let my life drown in a deluge of unhappiness and tears. That would be the most unworthy tribute to a man who always encouraged me to be my own woman and blossom.

So here I am smiling, working and moving on not because I am strong, solid, resilient, frigid or cold but just because I am.

P.S : To those whom this bothers I offer no explanations or justification because I have none.

Ugly Voids

Promises meant to be broken

Words not meant only spoken

Intentions only expressed

Intended to be unfulfilled

Love has dried down

Rendering hearts frozen

The minds more shallow

The world a bit more hollow

Now things fill the empty spaces

Like ugly blotches on pretty faces 

Of God

All Gods invoked
All worshipped
Without asking why?

Does that bring peace
Or a bit of solace
Not even an inkling

My God resides with me
My own soul and mind
That can only bring peace

He dwells in my spirit
Fills my heart with eternity
My harbinger of strength

PS : All the diwali/Pooja fervour watched with a detached almost dejected heart this year brought ne to closer to this spirit in myself)

The Spider

I had wanted to shake it off,
But it has me in its web again
The life-spider spinning its cast
Throwing the silk on me unknown
Shrouding me in its deluding hues
Making me its next unwitting victim

But deep within this worldly web
dwells your light in my central core
washing me aglow and saving my soul
I live in your umbrage lighted from inside
Your voice, your touch, your thoughts
in an everlasting symbiosis,defying the spider

Many People, Many Meetings

Random people,

Different meetings

Some concurrent

Some disparate

Having made love,

Having broken up

Have you deceived them?

Yes , you did

Cant be justified

You let life lead you

Without restraint

Without remorse

Are you guilty?

To One I think

The one who truly loved you

Rest don’t deserve a thought

You lived in the moment

Just the way they did

Is it a good score then?

Why not :tis good enough

So many betrayals

So many blows

It was just enough

That I let them go

The Chimera

Beckoning , enticing, begins the chase

Beguiling, fooling, a charm is spun

Enveloping, enfolding in an opium-cloud

Tightening , trapping  in its vice grip

Raising its monster-head, engulfs

Hissing its fiery breath, scalds

Brushing with its scaly tail, bruises

Love is a Chimera it devours 

Your Etchings

Crystal clear images

Three dimensional

Never fading

Never ending

One day 

Your left profile

Standing in wait

And then waving

Another day

Your mouth open

Your eyes twinkling

A naughty crooked smile

Another day

You sit working 

while tending to me

Checking, glancing sideways

Yet another day 

your pretended sulk

and that cut on your finger

instantly healed with a kiss

And that final day

Your hands in my hands

Your tears on my cheek

Your head in my lap

Time and age may blur

My vision and my mind,yet

Your images are crystal clear

Forever etched on the heart.

Unexpected Gestures

Yesterday at a high end cafe we, my son and I had a different kind of experience. No charm if I don't spin a story around it! So let's begin from the beginning now.It was a forced holiday as we were both in a bit of blues. All day mother and son had been planning an outing. Somehow it didn't workout.

After I picked him from his coaching we went to a mall where he wanted to have a really nice pastry. So we chose this really nice cafe - or Kaffe as it was mentioned on the exclusive menu. It was a lovely place, courteous staff, lots of beautiful flowers and nicely arranged lighting and tables. We were seduced and decided to sit down and eat. 

I really liked the pineapple and mint infused drinking water they served. As we ate we were both chatting about the people around and how the same people whom we had met and had a tiff with at the parking lot a bit earlier had just walked in. 

We had till then failed to notice a burly young man sitting next to our table.I had glanced back and had noticed him being served with beer and peanuts and I was a bit perturbed that I had brought my fifteen year old to a place where beer was being served. But in all truthfulness had failed to even look at the man who was drinking the beer.

Now one cheesecake confection wouldn't really satisfy a fifteen year old lad, would it? So one more was ordered despite my frowning at the unnecessary indulgence. Now I noticed that we were being watched so I kind of threw a courteous smile at our neighbour. He only nodded back and kept on staring. Now I was a bit more disturbed and apprehensive. So we asked for the bill and I started rummaging through my wallet.

Just then the neighbour spoke up," Excuse me!" He said, we were both startled and looked at him directly. " If you don't mind could I please have the pleasure to pay your bill" We were simply taken aback. "No thanks" I answered curtly.

"No I insist. Its not out of any kindness but only love." He said. "Here we go again!" I thought,"Another suitor". 

His next line gave my just bolstered ego a rude shock. "Your son reminds me of my younger brother" he said. " I have come to India from US for two months and am all alone here". 

I was left speechless and just didn't have the heart to act self-sufficient in face of this beautifully unexpected gesture. We thanked him and the waiter took our bill to his table. Exchanging numbers we left him in his solitude. 

Never in my almost 40 year old life had I experienced this and I guess I wont even in the next 40 ; if I live to being that old but it did change something in me. I had given up on little gestures and kindnesses, forgetting to carry them out them as I had not experienced the same from anyone in a long time. This one incident restored my faith and I renewed my scout and guides promise to do one good deed a day.

P.S.: If thats how they treat you in the US of A then its definitely a place worth going to!! 

The Dual Me

I am a dichotomy

Two people in one

Outside turned inside

Crisp multiple layers 

With a soft centre

Deliciously deceptive

A Strong façade

But open windows

Vulnerably defensive

And now I alone

Seek the key to

Find the dual me

It was only love
Pity they all failed

To decipher the code

Twigs

Broken twigs don't
Make a strong nest

Love is a delusion
Fascinating in its trance

Stark realities hard facts
Life has such gifts to offer

Use them and offer yourself
Both way the grind is yours

Humane

We do not make love
we only make hate

like animals
to breed to multiply

yes we copulate
to satisfy our carnality
we are left with that

rest we have shed

falling below animality
we are not humane
once named humans